Friday, January 23, 2004

ATTENTION!!!

i have moved to tabulas.

please update your links, etc....

=)


·red banana | 9:06 PM |

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Monday, January 19, 2004

i changed the title of hte story below to Sweet Loneliness. i hate titles. i don't get them.

i've created an account at tabulas, in accordance with helga's recommendation... i might be moving there SOON.

hindi pa ako registered sa leap. leche.

·red banana | 8:24 AM |

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Saturday, January 17, 2004

form two. the comments feature is on the hoofs, so if you have comments, just shout it to my face or something when you see me... =)

Cure for the Forlorn


[1]She patiently waited for her coffee while counting the number of doughnut holes on her table. They were just as she ordered - four chocolates, four custard creams, four butter creams and four sugar dipped. The same amount and flavors she has ordered ever since she started spending her free time at the cafe.

[2]"Miss Jeh-yan," called the girl behind the counter. Gühanne saw a big cup of what seemed as her order, but decided to wait and see if a certain Jeh-yan or Jee-yan would claim it. She knew that the person who took her order most probably misspelled her name, and now the girl mispronounced the misspelled name, but she can never be too sure. It was only when she heard "Miss Jeh-yan, your Irish Cream Blend, ma'am," did she find the courage to claim the order. Wallet and phone in hand, she went to the counter for her coffee. "Ma'am, your Irish cream?" the girl behind the counter asked her. Gühanne did not answer her in annoyance for mispronouncing the name; instead, she just nodded and took the plastic cup.

[3]Her heels made faint sounds on the tiled floor as she tried to walk as quickly as possible to her seat. It was a trick she learned from grade school when her oversized feet were protected by two-inch heels - the only pair in sale rack that fit her then. She slid her wallet inside her bag and placed the phone beside the steaming cup of coffee. There were no signs of messages, missed calls, no nothing, not even promotions from the phone company.

[4]The café was filled with the promises and sorrowful words of sentimental music from at least two decades ago. She sat at the table at the opposite end of the door, beside the wall where she can see all the other tables, all the people who enter and leave the room. The café was nearly half full, but of the occuppied tables, hers was the only one occupied by a person without a companion. They were seated near the door, conveniently near the counter too. There were three tables with pairs; two of which seemed to be lovers, unless they were friends who kiss after every bite on the Danish and every sip of coffee. Four seemingly elite ladies were seated on one table, giggling as they showed each other their cellphone messages. Every so often, a beep would be heard, and one of them would ask, "What did he say?"

[5]She had often imagined being in one of those ladies' shoes when she was younger and she couldn't afford the expensive coffee. It was a lifestyle she only knew from the movies; from television shows and magazines. Friends seated in a café, chatting about their new clothes, the paintings they've purchased, the movies they saw, the books they've read, the songs they've heard, the vacations they took, the men they've dated - all the things that went on in their elite lives. She pictured her best friends with her, in designer clothes with car keys in their purses, reminiscing about their childhood, their past. Each one of them would have a favorite coffee blend and pastry to match it, and they would marvel on how their lipsticks don't leave marks on the cups.

[6]Since six months ago she's had the opportunity to live the café lifestyle she has dreamed of, but Mark just wasn't the café sort of guy. She took him here once for lunch, and after eating pasta he made her swear never to have them eat there again. He was just not comfortable eating expensive, decorated food that his mother never makes. Gühanne half-heartedly conceded to Mark's requests, because after all, in those six months, she had no one else.

[7]Now that Mark was no longer with her, she stayed in the café, sipping on the expensive coffee that took the place of the decent lunch she used to share with Mark. A book she recently bought was on top of the table, but she could not bring herself to read it. She took a sip and found the coffee too hot and too bitter for her taste. She thought that maybe all coffee drinkers started not liking the bitter taste of coffee too, or maybe the Irish cream blend was just too strong. It would be fine for her; at least she can consume it slower and stay longer.

[8]She looked at her phone again, and it was quarter to ten. She remembered that she had work to do, so she took out a folded bunch of papers she got from the photocopier and a yellow highlighter. Just like the students she saw in a movie set in Harvard University - intelligent, hard working students use yellow highlighters and study while having coffee. They were taking up government policies during the Spanish occupation of the Philippines, which was a subject she's been weak at ever since. She was forced to study because her teacher was one of the most revered professors on campus, and she didn't want to make a fool of herself in class. She wanted to show the world that Gühanne Javier was above them all, she wanted the professor to acknowledge her intelligence, and her classmates to fight over who gets her for a study partner. None of her classmates were actually her friends, in fact none of them seemed to care when she entered the room on the first day of classes, nor did they bother to reserve a seat for her when she was late one time. She knew all her classmates' full names, but nobody seemed to know hers. Nevertheless, whoever was to become her study partner would be the luckiest person on campus - she was known to be the most responsible student in class. The thought of her classmates asking her to be their partner made her smile, but she knew very well that she would refuse them all, except Sebastian Eguia. She would gladly allow him to take her for granted, as long as he would be with her for at least another hour every week.

[9]She tried to focus on the article, but after highlighting twenty phrases in one paragraph, she felt exhausted. She took another sip of the bitter coffee, and tried her best to stop her body from twitching. She looked at the sugar packs on the counter. It would only take fifteen steps to get there, but she would have to pass through several tables. The café was nearly filled by now, but hers was still the only table occuppied by only one person. Only the three tables nearest hers were unoccuppied - as if everybody refused to be near her, perhaps for fear of becoming as ugly or as pathetic as she was. She chose not to go for the sugar packs, it would only be a hassle for her. And besides, she was the one who chose Irish Cream, so she would have to live with her decision. That was her new resolution - live with her decisions, so she should just drink the coffee as it was.

[10]But why did something so simple as getting sugar packets have to be such a hard thing for her? She could hardly believe herself. It wast not as if anybody was watching her, awaiting her next move, hoping to use it to make fun of her. This was no longer high school. She did not have her period, so there would be no stain on her pants. But still, she might trip on something, and then knock the table where the lovers were, and spill the hot coffee all over them. If that happens, the lovers would start cursing her no matter how hard she would try to apologize, and the people around her would think that she was such a lonely loser. She has been ugly and alone all this time, how else would people see her? She endured years of insults mostly because of the honest mistakes she made Any mistake, no matter how honest or intended, always lead to long-term suffering. If she humiliated herself in front of all these people in the café, she could never show up here again, and she would have to find another place where she could stay. She could not afford that at all, since this was the cheapest café in the vicinity, and to go to another one would leave her penniless.

[11]As it is, the prices are killing her, but she just reminded herself that this was the price of the lifestyle she wanted. Although she could cut down on her expenses by taking the smaller cup or refusing to buy pastries with her coffee, especially sixteen doughnut holes every day. For the same price she could eat a full meal with dessert outside. She could do that, in fact she already told herself to do that, but as soon as she enters the café and buys the coffee, something inside her pushes her to the pastries and forces her to buy the doughnut holes. Since she started going here this month, she has gained some weight from eating sweets everyday. There was a heap of doughnut holes in front of her - an inch to her waist, a flab into her thighs, and ten percent of the chances to meet someone good gone.

[12]That is why she started going here alone in the first place. She wanted to create an image of herself as someone sophisticated to attract somebody whose lifestyle was similar to the one she wanted. She has always imagined him to approach her while she was reading her new book, he would ask her if he could share the table with her. They would start talking about books, movies, paintings and music. After an hour or so, she would have to say goodbye and go to class, but they would exchange numbers and agree to meet again sometime.

[13]He would be very tall; around six feet tall, with big arms that could hold her and make her seem small and weak. His eyes would be dark and his lips soft and inviting for an intimate kiss. He would have his own car, and his own pad. The next day when she would be at the same table again, he would surprise her with a phone call. He would tell her that he's looking at a gorgeous woman right at that moment, and that he wonders if the woman would care to look at him outside the window. She would look outside and catch him smiling at her with flowers at hand. He would give her the flowers, and they would go out on a date. They would have dinner, and he would tell her that he wants to keep seeing her. He would start picking her up after her classes. One day she would ask him to take her to a park, and she would kiss him and tell him that she loves her. They would kiss, and they would sit at the café everyday, and be like the lovers who can't keep their lips apart.

[14]That would happen one day. Probably not today, but there is always a tomorrow, or next week, depending on how she looks. She has to wear something better everyday, something that would attract that guy - that tall guy with kissable lips.

[15]Sebastian Eguia stopped her imagination when he entered the room with his girlfriend. His girlfriend - the beautiful - no, she's not beautiful. Pretty, yes, but not beautiful. She had very light skin, and her face was small. She wore a tank top that complimented her tiny waist, and her hair was long and straight that she looked like a shampoo commercial model. She seemed perfect for him. Gühanne learned way back from high school that guys like Sebastian Eguia had girls who popped out of television commercials. Pretty girls from rich families who had perfect hair and perfect curves - everything she was not.

[16]They settled at a table somewhere near the door. He did not seem to notice her, so she pretended to be reading the article again. Every so often she would steal a glance at their direction, then highlight something to save her in case he would catch her looking. He seemed to be concentrated on his girl, pulling her chair closer and putting his arm around her. The same arms would make Gühannecrumble - she wondered what the girlfriend felt when Sebastian's arms were around her.

[17]She has always noticed how big Sebastian's arms were every time he took down notes and rested one of his elbows on her desk.. She could imagine how those arms would keep her warm right now, in this room that is so cold. She could tell even by looking at the back of his head that he was smiling - she could picture his smile everytime a joke was said in class. He had pink lips, somehow always wet with his saliva. One time he turned to Gühanne for a question, and his bright eyes seemed to have laser beams coming out of them, hurting her eyes, so she looked at his lips instead. At that moment, looking at the pinkish lips that stood out from his white skin, she almost tilted her head and pushed it against his. If not for the professor's warning to them for not paying attention, she would have pushed her tongue into his mouth.

[18]A girl caught her eye as she entered the café - she was alone, too. She carried a few books with her, and Gühanne thought she must be from the university. The girl settled at the table beside her, directly beside the wall. She placed her backpack on one chair and her books on the table, then she left with her cellphone and wallet for the counter. She had something hot too, and a doughnut. As soon as she sat down, she started reading one of her textbooks, but Gühanne noticed that she was also clandestinely looking around the room - checking everybody out. They both tried to look away whenever they met eye to eye, maybe to avoid embarrassment or any awkward situation..

[19]Not long after all tables near her were occupied by ladies who were also alone. Gühanne noticed they all brought something to read, and they all had hot drink and some sort of pastry. One of them ordered a big Danish, and the other had cookies with steamed milk. She recognized one of the girls as her former classmate in a lecture class - although she never really caught her name. It was such a big class, and she was not alone then - she had a friend in the class. Those were the days when she never had to eat alone; she always had Mark with her. How she wished that he still had the same classes with her. How she wished that she had been nice to the other people in her class; she wished that she made friends with more than just one person. She realized how exclusive her friendship with Mark was then - how she ignored the other people when they were together. But she only did that because they were both kept out of the other people's lives. They were just being out of place together.

[20]Another girl entered the room. She walked towards the area where Gühanne was, near the wall, and when she saw that there were no more available seats, she settled in one of the tables near the group of elite ladies. Gühanne noticed that she kept on looking at their direction. In the past few days she noticed that most ladies who come in alone settle in this area, her area, or their area - the lonely ladies' area. They all wanted to settle somewhere safe, like her. The safest place she could think of was the tables near the walls, where they hung paintings. She looked at the paintings around her - they were imitation prints of Van Gogh paintings. She looked at every single one of them - she has always liked Van Gogh paintings. The very small traces of light that he tried to portray in the dark paintings echoed the soul of a lonely painter. The very same paintings echoed her lonely heart.

[21]Gühanne took a deep breath - she had long admitted it to herself that: she was lonely. She's been lonely for a long time, but she's never been lonely alone. Somehow being without a friend magnified every inch of the loneliness within her. Maybe here at the lonely ladies' area, they were looking for a way to make loneliness easier; they were being alone together.

[22]She smiled to herself and took a sip of the coffee. She twitched at the bitterness of the drink - this was no longer right. She looked around her, and saw that Sebastian was busy with his girl, the elite ladies were engaged in their conversation and nobody else seemed to mind her existence. She stood up and walked over to the counter, took three packets of brown sugar and turned back. on her way back to her seat, Sebastian saw her. "Gühanne! I didn't see you there."

[23]For a moment it seemed like a dream, her dream. It would have been perfect had his girlfriend been away when he spotted her. For pride, she never paused to leave even a sentence with him, but she smiled while making the faint sounds from her heels.

[24]She went back to her table and poured the three packets of sugar on her coffee. It's not as hot as it was an hour ago, but it was still warm. She tasted the coffee - it was much better now. She went back to reading the article, and took down notes. After finishing two pages, she felt some pain in her neck and started rotating it, when a man with flowers entered the room. He walked over to one of the lonely ladies, who lit up when she saw the man. They kissed and sat down - she was not lonely after all.

[25]She went back to reading, but she saw that she had not touched the doughnut holes at all. She started eating the sweet pastries while reading and taking down notes from the rest of the article. Once in a while, she would see what Sebastian and his girl were doing, but she would dismiss the thought right away, to avoid certain certain emotions the song being played at the moment was about. As soon as she finished the article, she looked at her phone. She still had a little more than half an hour before she should start walking back to class.

[26]She opened her new book and started reading, when she heard her phone beep. She quickly read the message, as if it were the one thing she's been waiting for all morning - it was from Sebastian. He asked if she was going to their class, and if they could go there together. When she looked at him she saw that he was busy talking to his girl. For a while she thought that maybe it was a prank message or something, but it was clear that it was Sebastian's number, and she saw him holong his phone under the table with his free hand.

[27]She started composing her reply - she agreed to go back together. She had always wanted to show up in class together; hopefully one of the more malicious classmates would spot them and make rumors about the two of them dating. She could dwell in her dreams of uncountably many rumors being made about their relationship all day. If she could have him, even if it's only in a world of dreamed gossips, she would take the chance. She has been trying to find a way to start a rumor about them, but the fear of Sebastian avoiding her stopped her.

[28]Just before sending the message, she ate one sugar dipped doughnut hole and found it too sweet for her taste. When she drank coffee to neutralize the sweetness, instead of helping, the coffee worsened the condition of her tastebuds. She erased the message she composed for Sebastian, and motioned one of the waiters cleaning up to get her a glass of water. She drank more than half of the glass in one gulp and found the taste of water to be more than refreshing - she has not had much water for quite some time. She never bothered to drink water when she was not at home - she found it too plain, and she feared that people would think her cheap for drinking water when there were more than twenty kinds of coffee available.

[29]A while after she decided to get back to her book, she heard her phone beep again but decided to ignore it. The Van Gogh print above the table where her former classmate was seated caught her eye - it was her favorite painting, the outdoor restaurant scene. She had seen settings like the painting from scenes in romantic movies and luxury travel shows, and has since dreamt of eating in fancy places like that in Europe. She had always thought of it as romantic. She felt that Van Gogh did not only paint this as an expression of longing for companionship and happiness in his life. She smiled as she stared at the painting, but then felt somebody watching her. "What are you smiling about?" a deep voice asked.

[30]She looked up at Sebastian. "I'm not smiling." He sat across from her without invitation and started talking about the messages he's been sending her in the last few minutes. She looked at where he was seated with his girlfriend and found it empty - he must be uncomfortable being left alone. He asked her if they could walk to their class together. As he spoke laser beams came out of his eyes and pierced through Gühanne's eyes. To protect herself from them, she focused elsewhere - his lips. They were moving - opening and closing every so often. She could see his toungue moving too. She wondered if his mouth would be warm, or cold like the tube ice they practiced kissing on when they were younger. Perhaps he would like to try and kiss her too, just out of curiousity - even for just three seconds. She felt her head tilting and very slowly moving forward - but she was stopped when he put a chocolate doughnut hole into his mouth and started chewing. In between chewing with his mouth open, he asked her if she would finish the rest of the doughnut holes.

[31]"If you want, you could have all of my pastries."


·red banana | 12:08 AM |

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Friday, January 16, 2004

FYI, this is its first form. i would love to have comments for my first revision. =)


Lonely Ladies' Area


She patiently waited for her coffee while counting the number of doughnut holes on her table. They were just as she ordered - four chocolates, four custard creams, four butter creams and four sugar dipped. The same doughnut holes she ordered yesterday, and the day before.

"Miss Jee-yan," sounded the speakers. Wallet and phone in hand, she went to the counter for her coffee. "Ma'am, your Irish cream?" the girl behind the counter asked her. Gühanne did not answer her for misprounouncing the name, instead she nodded and took the plastic cup to her seat. She checked on her cellphone - no messages, no missed calls, no nothing, not even from the phone company.

The café was filled with soft, sentimental music from at least two decades ago. She sat at the table at the opposite end of the door, where she can see all the other tables, all the people who enter and leave the room. She noticed that there were only ten people on the tables with her - but only she was alone. They were seated near the door, conveniently near the counter too. There were three tables with pairs; two of which seemed to be lovers, unless they were friends who kiss after every bite on the Danish and every sip of coffee. Four ladies were seated on one table, giggling as they showed each other their cellphone messages. Every so often, a beep would be heard, and one of them would ask, "What did he say?"

She had often imagined being in one of those ladies' shoes when she was younger and she couldn't afford the expensive coffee. It was a lifestyle she only knew from the movies; from television shows and magazines. Friends seated in a café, chatting about their new clothes, paintings they've purchased, the movies they saw, books they've read, songs they've heard, vacations they took, men they've dated - all the things that go on in their elite lives. She pictured her best friends with her, in designer clothes with car keys in their purses, reminiscing about their childhood, their past. Each one of them would have a favorite coffee blend and pastry to match it, and they would marvel on how their lipsticks don't leave marks on the cups.

Now she's at the café, sipping on the expensive coffee that took her decent lunch away. A book she recently bought was on top of the table, but she could not bring herself to read it. She looked around her - she was the only person in the room without a companion. She took a sip and found the coffee too bitter for her taste, but she opted not to stand to get sugar. She figured that all coffee drinkers started not liking the bitter taste of coffee, or maybe the Irish cream blend was just too strong. It would be fine for her; at least she can consume it slower and stay longer.

She looked at her phone again, and it was quarter to ten. She remembered that she had work to do, so she took out a folded bunch of papers and a yellow highlighter. Just like the students she saw in a movie set in Harvard University - intelligent, hard working students use yellow highlighters. The topic was Spanish government policies during the Spanish occupation of the Philippines. Her teacher was one of the most revered professors on campus, and she didn't want to make a fool of herself in class. She wanted to show the world that Gühanne Javier was above them all, she wanted the professor to acknowledge her intelligence, and her classmates to fight over who gets her for a study partner. She wanted Sebastian to go out of his way and pick her as a study partner.
After highlighting twenty phrases in one paragraph, she felt exhausted. She took another sip of the bitter coffee, and tried her best to stop her body from twitching. She looked at the sugar packs on the counter. It would only take fifteen steps to get there, but she would have to pass through the tables. More people came in, but none alone like her, nor did they sit near her. the four tables around her were the only ones empty, as if everybody refused to be near her, for fear of becoming as ugly or as pathetic as she was. The coffee couldn't be that bad, she'd just have to live with it.

Why did something so simple as getting sugar packets matter to her? It's not as if somebody's watching her, awaiting her next move and use it to make fun of her. This is no longer high school. She did not have her period, so there will be no stain on her pants. But still, she might trip on something, and then knock the table where the lovers were, and spill the hot coffee all over them. If that happens, the lovers will start cursing her, no matter how hard she would try to apologize, and the people around her would think that she did it because she was jealous of the lovers. After all she was ugly and alone, what other reason could there be? One mistake always lead to long-term humiliation. If she humiliated herself in front of all these people in this café, she could never show up here again, and she would have to find another café. And this is the cheapest café she could find, going elsewhere would rob her penniless.

As it is, the prices are killing her, but she just reminded herself that this was the price of the lifestyle she wanted. She could cut down, though, like take a smaller cup or refuse to buy pastries with her coffee. She should do that, in fact she already told herself to do that. But as soon as she enters the café and buys the coffee, something inside her pushes her to the pastries and forces her to buy the doughnut holes. Since she started going here this month, she has gained some weight from eating sweets everyday. There were sixteen doughnut holes in front of her - an inch to her waist, a flab into her thighs, and ten percent of the chances to meet someone gone.

That is why she started going here alone in the first place. She wanted to create an image of herself as someone sophisticated, and she wanted someone who was also a regular at the café to see her and fall in love with her. She imagined him to approach her while she's reading her new book, he'd ask her if he could share the table with her. They would start talking about books, movies, paintings and music. After an hour or so, she would have to say goodbye and go to class, but they would exchange numbers and agree to meet again sometime.

He would be very tall; around six feet tall, with big arms that could hold her and make her seem small and weak. His eyes would be dark and his lips soft and inviting for an intimate kiss. He would have his own car, and his own apartment unit. The next day when she would be at the same table again, he would surprise her with a text message. He would tell her that he's looking at a gorgeous woman right at that moment, and that he wonders id the woman would care to look at him outside the window. She would look outside and catch him smiling at her with flowers at hand. He would give her the flowers, and they would go out on a date. They would have dinner, and he would tell her that he wants to keep seeing her. He would start picking her up after her classes. One day she would ask him to take her to a park, and she would kiss him and tell him that she loves her. They would kiss, and they would sit at the café everyday, and be like the lovers who can't keep their lips apart.

That would happen one day. Probably not today, but there is always a tomorrow, or next week, depending on how she looks. She has to wear something better everyday, something that would attract that guy - that tall guy with kissable lips.

Sebastian Eguia stopped her imagination when he entered the room with his girlfriend. His girlfriend - the beautiful - no, she's not beautiful. Pretty, yes, but not beautiful. She had very light skin, and her face was small. She wore a tank top that complimented her tiny waist, and her hair was long and straight that she looked like a shampoo commercial model. She seemed perfect for him. Gühanne learned way back from high school that guys like Sebastian Eguia had girls who popped out of television commercials. Pretty girls from rich families - everything she was not.

They settled at a table somewhere near the door. He did not seem to notice her, so she pretended to be reading the article again. Every so often she would steal a glance at their direction, then highlight something to save her in case he would catch her looking. He seemed to be concentrated on his girl, pulling her chair closer and putting his arm around her. The same arms would make Gühanne feel secure - she wondered what the girlfriend felt when Sebastian's arms were around her.

A girl entered the café - she was alone. She carried a few books with her, and Gühanne thought she must be from the university too. she settled at the table beside her, also beside the wall. She placed her backpack on one chair and her books on the table, then she left with her cellphone and wallet for the counter. She had something hot too, and a doughnut. As soon as she sat down, she started reading too, but Gühanne noticed that she was also looking around the room - checking everybody out. Gühanne tried to look away whenever they met eye to eye, and so did the girl.

Not long after all three tables nearest her were occupied by ladies who were alone like her. they all brought something to read, and they all had coffee and some sort of pastry. One of them ordered a big Danish, and the other had cookies with steamed milk. She recognized one of the girls as her former classmate in a lecture class - although she never really caught her name. It was such a big class, and she was not alone then - she had a friend in the class. Those were the days when she never had to eat alone; she always had her friend with her. How she wished that she still had the same classes with her. How she wished that she had been nice to the other people in her class; she wished that she made friends with more than just one person. She realized how exclusive their friendship was then - how she ignored the other people when they were together. But she only did that because they were both kept out of the other people's lives. They were just being out of place together.

Another girl entered the room. She walked towards the area where Gühanne was, and when she saw that there were no available seats near the wall, she settled in one of the tables near the group of elite ladies. Gühanne noticed that she kept on looking at their direction. Just like yesterday, she found that all people who come in alone settle in this area, her area - the lonely ladies' area, she thought. they all wanted to settle somewhere safe, like her. The safest place she could think of was the tables near the walls, where they hung paintings. She looked at the paintings around her - they were imitation prints of Van Gogh paintings. She looked at every single one of them - she has always liked Van Gogh paintings. The very small traces of light that he tried to portray in the dark paintings echoed the soul of a lonely painter. The very same paintings echoed her lonely heart.

Gühanne took a deep breath - she had to admit it to herself: she's lonely. She's been lonely for a long time, but she's never been lonely alone. Somehow being alone magnified every inch of the loneliness within her. Maybe that was why the people who come in alone settle near the walls. They were looking for a way to make loneliness easier; they were being alone together.

She smiled to herself and took a sip of the coffee. She twitched at the bitterness of the drink - she couldn't take it anymore. She looked around her, and saw that Sebastian was busy with his girl, the elite ladies were engaged in their conversation and nobody else seemed to mind her existence. She stood up and walked over to the counter, took three packets of brown sugar and turned back. on her way back to her seat, Sebastian saw her. "Gühanne! I didn't see you there."

She never stopped for him, but she smiled. She went back to her table and poured the three packets of sugar on her coffee. It's not as hot as it was an hour ago, but it was still warm. She tasted the coffee - it was much better now. she went back to reading the article, and for some reason she understood it, and took down notes. After finishing two pages she looked up and saw that there was one less lonely lady in the room - a lady friend has come to be with her.

She went back to reading, but she saw that she had not touched the doughnut holes at all. She started eating the sweet pastries while reading and taking down notes from the rest of the article. As soon as she finished the article, she looked at her phone. She had a little more than half an hour before she should start walking back to class. She opened her new book and started reading, when she heard her phone beep. She quickly read the message - it was from Sebastian. He asked if she was going to their class, and if they could go there together. When she looked at him she saw that he was busy talking to his girlfriend. She started composing her reply - she agreed to go back together. Before sending the message, she ate one sugar dipped doughnut hole and found it too sweet. When she drank coffee to balance the taste out, she found the coffee too sweet. She then erased the message she was composing, and decided to ignore Sebastian's message and go back to reading.

A while later she heard her phone beep again, but she opted to ignore it. She looked at the Van Gogh print - it was her favorite painting, the outdoor restaurant scene. She had dreamed of eating in fancy places like that in Europe. She had always thought of it as romantic. She felt that Van Gogh did not only paint his lonely soul, but he also portrayed the yearning for beauty and happiness in his heart. She smiled as she stared at the painting, but then felt somebody watching her. "What are you smiling about?"

"Oh, it's nothing."

"You like the picture?"

"Yeah, it's Van Gogh."

"Isn't that the looney who killed himself?"

"He committed suicide, yes." Somehow she couldn't help but smile while talking to Sebastian.

"I've been sending you messages - why don't you check your phone."

She took her phone from her bag and read his last message - it was the same as the first message. She apologized for not noticing his messages. She looked at the table where he was seated with his girlfriend - she was gone.

He went to the bathroom while she fixed her things. She kept her book, the article, her notes, and saw the coffee and about half the doughnuts left. The touched the coffee cup - it got cold. Sebastian waved at her to stand, so she left her table and approached one of the girls at the counter. "Could you wrap those doughnut holes and hand them to the old woman at the corner." She saw her reflection at the glass countertop and saw that her lipstick was gone and her hair was untidy, but Sebastian was outside waiting for her. She looked back and saw her former classmate was no longer alone too. She wasn't lonely after all, just alone, but not anymore. A guy had his arm around her, and they both seemed happy.

As she walked out the door, the security guard thanked her and asked her to come again. She smiled at him and looked at Sebastian holding his phone to his ear. She knew she'd come back again.


·red banana | 6:22 PM |

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Tuesday, January 13, 2004

allow me to tell you about my daily stuff...

monday

0800 - 1100
physics lab.

1100 - 1140
break ko, but since we never usually end at 11 sa phylab1, or any basic lab course for that matter, i spend at least an hour sa Java Cafe (likod ng aristocrat, aka animo canteen) for lunch with frapp and do my homework.

1140 - 1310
math114, otherwise known as integral calculus. did i mention kasama ko ang math majors? good thing paul copied my exact schedule.

1310 - 1430
break ulit. ito ang binabalak kong ilaan as malate time. di ko nga lang nagawa kasi maraming kinailangang ayusin.

1430 - 1530
orcosci, otherwise known as oral communication for science majors. dito kami tinuturuan kung paano ang tamang pag lecture, pag defend ng thesis, at pag basa ng research paper. kung business major pala ako, tuturuan nila ako ng tamang sales talk! =)

1540 - 1640
lecheng filipi2. leche kasi hindi ko feel ang guro, kahit sub lang ang humaharap sakin. hindi ko rin feel ang mga cross-enrollees from cbe. ang eepal. no offense meant to all cbe-ers, just those i can't stand.

tapos uwi na ko.

wednesday

0930 - 1130
pe ko, taekwondo ata. bukas natin malalaman.

1140 - 1240
integral calculus again

1240 - 1430
u-break, otherwise known as malate time.

1430 - 1640
orcosci and filipi2

friday

0810 - 1110
inolab2, otherwise known as inorganic chemistry lab 2. maraming kasama na bs psych. unlike science majors, may kaingayan sila. parang math majors.

1110 - 1140
dahil lab nga ito, maaga nanaman natatapos at hindi nasusunod ang schedule. i spend at least an hour (emphasis on AT LEAST. usually 2 hours yun e) at Java Cafe, kung saan nakikita ko ang crush kong hindi ko naman kilala at ang girlfriend niyang exact opposite ko -- petite, long, straight, shiny hair, flawless white skin, tiny waist, tiny boobs. habang nagsusulat ako or kumakain ako, naglalambingan sila over either japanese food or sizzling something. makapal ang mukha nilang kumuha ng tissue sa coffee bar.

1140 - 1310
integral calculus. antidifferentiation. the derivative was too hard for most physics majors, imagine the antiderivative. i'm still doing ok, though... pero maingay ang math majors. parang high school.

1310 - 1430
malate time

1430 -1640
orcosci at filipi2 kung saan kasama ko ang filthy rich braindeads.

tuesdays and thursdays

0800 - 0930
inorganic chemistry 2. prof ko and dean ng cos. kanina ang first lecture niya, and damn! i enjoyed it! parang si dr. hila mag-lecture! ang galing galing galing galing galing!!! he won't ever insult your intelligence!!! =) not to mention having him as prof turned an 8 - people class into a graduate school class! kasama kasi namin ulit sina marlene, the teachers. hehehe... =)

0930 - 1120
break. meaning: sit sa same area sa java cafe, with hot coffee naman, kasi medyo matagal tagal ang break ko. i dnt eat lunch, just pastries that go well with the drink. gagawa ng inolab, titingin tingin sa immitation van gogh paintings, and magsusulat about the people na laba-pasok sa cafe.

1120 - 1250
fundamentals of physics 1. with the vice dean of cos as my prof. yep! dean and vice dean all in one day! yippee!!!

tapos uwi na ulit.

·red banana | 2:49 PM |

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Friday, January 09, 2004

when your math teacher smiles throughout your class, you know that there's a catch...

one you may not be ready for.


my first class for the term had only 3 students. damn it, good thing i was guided through the adjustment just well. i was scheduled for the math114 with the math majors, the really noisy, well bonded ones. last wednesday i was there all alone.

afterwards i had lunch with cindy... with people from the chinese community whom I DO NOT LIKE AT ALL. two of them were very RUDE. the only reason why i bothered staying was because i scheduled the lunch, and as far as i was concerned, the only chinese person invited was cindy.

after that lunch, i went to a malate prose meeting. maia tried to finalize her quitting. i can't blame her for quitting -- she's no longer happy. and in my opinion, happiness is just something you can't live without. spending time unhappy will only make you very similar to....... me. but i'm not quitting. malate doesn't make me unhappy. it's the only thing that saves me from more unhappiness.

in filipino class, i started feeling guilty. why am i writing in english? my diary is in english. this blog is in english. my prose, in general, is in english.


I should start writing in Filipino.


nakapagpasaya talaga saakin ang huwebes. punong-puno ako ng excitement dahil magiging titser ko and dean at vice dean ng COS. =) nasa bingid ng pagka-dissolve ang klase ko sa inoche2, ngunit pinangako ni Dr. J na aayusin niya para magtuloy-tuloy. sana nga.

i can't take it anymore.

i promise to start writing in filipino, but not right now, okay?



·red banana | 8:33 PM |

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Monday, January 05, 2004

because i intentionally went to cattle creek instead of renewing my scholarship last saturday, i braced myself for a long, red-tape sort of renweal today. originally i planned to go to dlsu at 8 am, as soon as they start the day, but my bed got the better of me and i woke up half-past 8.

after a very long bath and a very slow dress-up scene, i was off to school. got there by 1030, and i went straight to ls conference a. when i got there, i sat in line (yes dear, hindi uso and stand in line sa lasalle) and waited. afterwards i asked them what i should do since i already passed my eaf last december. they directed me to the next room, then the student assistant asked for my name, then handed me my EAF form. signed and stamped. she said to me, "Ok na yan."

i spent less than 5 minutes inside renewal room, then i walked past the accounting office again. i saw the crowded hall, the noisy students pissed at waiting....

I love being a scholar.

it was 1040 in the morning, too early to go home. so i crossed taft avenue to find a ride to sm manila. i found that comfy jeepneys were hard to come by, so i took a cab. ten minutes later, i was inside the mall. at half past twelve i left the mall with a new bag and some kikay stuff. i decided to take the long way home (on the road, not on train), and at 1240 i was home, my mother too surprised. ha.

tonight we're going back to paz for lola charing's wake... she died single, taking care of her neices and nephews... and to think i just read CJ Maraan's Testament, (which i recommend to girls like me)... really freaky.

i mean, to die alone... in testament the girl was a virgin... i felt particularly sad for her, and yet glad because it was exactly what she wanted... i wonder if lola charing wanted to die alone... would i want the same thing?

speaking of cj maraan... she has a thing for writing in a dead-person's point of view. two stories in her book transient were written in this style -- Testament and Ghost. the former works, because she doesn't dare explain the state of being a dead thing; she simply presents the dead person as someone who walks around the wake room, observing people. in the latter she makes a mistake by trying to explain the state of being dead, which makes the story somehow ridiculous. i did get something from the story, though, a line that really caught me:

Yes, I remember the red banana you stole for me when that poor lola wasn't looking.


·red banana | 2:47 PM |

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