Tuesday, April 29, 2003

Hei

edg's here!

yesterday was... hmm... yesterday.

gorilla & i went to this yfc thing... to all who can read this, would you like to join our youth camp? tell me .

when we got home, i started singing losing grip out loud. para kong tanga na nagwawala!

then i called helga, but she was still sleeping. so then i called iceageman, and he was out or something. so i put my butt here in front of the pc, and guess what? iceageman called. sadly, mother was using the phone so she asked him to call after ten minutes.

around thirty minutes later, thanks to the infatuation-drawn persistence of helga, we spoke to iceageman on the phone. the only real discussion i was part of was about the sleepover thing, which apparently was why iceageman called me in the first place.

the sleepover will be held here, rooftop, 21-22... drink drink drink!!! get drunk drunk drunk! my parentals allowed me because i told them i really wanted to go and i knew they wouldn't let me if it would be held elsewhere...

so here!!! yippeee!!!

oooh, about that someone... freaky enough, right before i called charlotte, nagparamdam siya!!!

the thing with dearest, she's sort of getting in the querida thing... she actually said, nagagaya yata ako sa feeling mo dati kay (squishy)... really interesting, eh? so i asked her, who??? she said, (egypt)

i replied, kilala ko yun.

huh??? pano????

egypt was my classmate in elementary. apparently, he went to charlotte's elem school for high school, and now a friend of charlotte's is his girlfriend.

dearest woke me up this morning to tell me that she asked egypt and he said, oo, kilala ko yun. classmate ko siya nung elementary. magaling magluto yun kasi minsan pumunta kami sa bahay nila.

oooh... kasama pala siya nun... kasama din long time crush ko nun... nilandi ko siya...

Ha det
Norway

--------------

Monday, April 28, 2003

Zdravo!

i had lunch at nova today, and everybody was there. i guess i just wasn't in the mood for them. the only good part i remember is my long nap... anyway, afterwards we went to get zagu...

oooh... guess what??? father allowed me to get a haircut!!!! well, of course, that was after several lines like eat my booger and the like from him... he just said yes rightin front of the salon, which is in across the barbershop where gorilla & shierat had their haircut... amazing...

i watched beauty & the beast in sierra this evening... as a child, i remember my grandparents owned one of the first VHS's in the country. since the VHS was still an alien thing, i had nowhere to go to borrow tapes. we only had one tape with three movies in it: Maging Sino Ka Man, one film i don't remember (probably because i never bothered to watch it), an beauty & the beast

just imagine... i spent every weekend there, so when i run out of things to do, & channels to watch (they didn't get cable until recently, and now my grandfather got rid of it because he hates the way HBO & other movie channels repeat movies), i watched beauty & the beast... several times a day.

so, to my point: i realized this evening that Belle was such a shallow character, as shallow as Gascon & his ugly shadow. not to mention she's a stupid daredevil who just has no sense.

there are four characters i love in that picture:

1. Beast
he's the only multi-dimensional character in the story. he has angst... love him.

2. Lumierre
entertaining guy... funny.

3. Mrs. Pot
she'd the reason why i love tea!

4. Chip
because... he's jus so cute!!!

enough of that...

when i got home, mother checked the caller id and found two numbers... the first one belongs to a person i have come to call iceageman... the second one belonging to his katapat, helga...

so, anyway, i can't think of any reason why they'd both call me on a sunday, in summer... maybe i'm about to a thousand pesos richer... bwahahaha...

so, when's the wedding?

Doviduvanje!
Macedonia

--------------

Saturday, April 26, 2003

good day!

father gave me his sony phone! yippee!!! he switched to sun cellular for some reason... he got his own choice of number, 81-(his 5 letter name)... so anyway, i got this...

i woke up relatively early... guess why? because i knew mother cooked the longanisa grandmother bought for me!!! yey!!! anyway, mother asked me to make canellone again on may first... grandfather & gorilla's birthday... oh, damn... i want to give gorilla a present, since it's his thirteenth birthday and all... oh well... i won't tease him on that day.

some time ago, a picture was taken of me & someone... i kept that picture because it was taken on a very special day... since i no longer have any sort of communication with him, i think it's time to remove the picture. i told mother that i did my closure with him, so she won't ask questions. now why am i blabbing about this while the damn picture remains standing three feet away???

it's because i can't even bring myself to touch it. from where i'm sitting, a figurine blocks part of the picture but i can still se him & me, side by side. how can i move it when it's the only thing that reminds me of his existence? damn! i thought it would be easier to forget him like this... well, actually, i rarely find myself thinking of him during daytime, or even in my sleep. but at night, when i'm all alone & i have nothing to do, i think of him, and i notice the things around me that are related to him... like that picture, and that pillow he used to touch, or that piece of clothing i wore when i was with him... damn!!!

earlier this evening, helga asked me if i was happy now... well... now you know...

in much lighter news...

my stories are about to be read online!!! helga's working on it...

to end, let me show you my first draft of the letter i sent someone. it was made this way because i intended to simply post it online and have him figure out that i'm talking about him... but then again, density is always an issue...

I had an inspiration to call you on the phone
To tell you I once loved you
There ain't nobody home
The night is cold and empty
Are you out there alone without me?

This is it. I have to say goodbye to you. I don?t mean goodbye like, ?Hey, see you when I see you.? I mean, GOODBYE. Goodbye like I should have when time said I should. Goodbye, like, ?Farewell, adieu, adios.? I was so happy with you then, even if I knew we weren?t meant to be together for long. I knew it then, I had ambition, and I was too busy working myself up to reach it, while you were too busy discovering what you call ?life?. There were signs that we?d never end up together the way I wanted. We had different crowds; and in truth, we were, and still are, two different people with very little, in fact almost nothing, in common.

I was stupid to convince myself that the little things we agreed on were proof that we had so much in common, that we were so compatible that there must be no one alive who can replace you to me or me to you. I was wrong. I really should have let you go when time was claiming you. Instead, I bargained with time, and I begged that I get another chance with you. Time, powerful as it is, conceded, and I had my chance with you again.

I took that chance, and you know that. Of all people, you should know I tried to get you twined with my soul so that we?d never have to say goodbye. But, I failed, and as in the laws of Physics, ?The bigger the body the harder its fall in a world controled by gravity,? I fell hard on the ground. You drifted away and I saw how I wasted my chance with you.

I should never have asked for that chance, clearly I was incapable of making you stay to love me the way I loved you. I traded my heart for that chance, and I lost everything because I lost you. Now it?s time to say goodbye, and I?d like you to know that I really do mean GOODBYE.


It's really for the better, that you're not in today
I shouldn't still be trying to talk to you this way
But I can't give up hope
You'll start to notice you're without me


This time I?d like to thank you for everything you have done for me and given me in the short time we were together. Thank you for making my day just by smiling at me. Thank you for being a good companion. Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for making me laugh; and believe it or not, thank you for making me cry. Thank you for letting me feel the pain and show that I felt it. Thank you for the gift of love, whether it was real or not, thank you for that brief moment in time when I thought I found love in you.

Believe me, I am very thankful that you existed in my world. And I?m very sorry for the times I put you on the spot, or the times when the people around us put you on the spot knowing that I would be pleased. I?m sorry for holding you back during the times you wanted to be free. I am sorry for taking your hand when you wanted to take someone else?s, and I am most especially sorry for forcing you to make promises that you regreted afterwards. I did not know better then, but now I do, and I want you to know I?ll be the first one to push you to freedom.

I've made my life fulfilling to take you off my mind
My head is always willing
My heart is not that kind
I'm the one who left you
You're the one who's fine
Without me

Since this is goodbye, I want you to know the things I never really said. I want you to know that I loved, or maybe love, you for who you were and not the man I seemed to force you to be. I loved, or love, you because I just did, or do, not because I was forced or led to believe that I did, or do. You were my world, and I was hurt because clearly I was not yours. Your world was so big it included everyone, while mine just wanted you. I never wanted things to end this way, but after everything that has happened, I don?t think we have any other choice.

Laugh if you want
You have no right
It was just like you said
I'd spend my nights alone
Without you

So to end this letter, I?d like to say that this is goodbye like, ?I never wish to see you or hear from you again.? No, don?t think that I hate you for some reason, because I don?t. But try to understand that I won?t be able to let you go unless you truly go. There was a time when you were being forced to leave me, to GO, but you didn?t go. Now, we really have to part.

I?d have to ask you to make one last promise, but I?ll promise you something in turn. Promise me that you will never try to contact or see me, and I promise you that I will do the same. In two weeks I plan to close a chapter in my life, and open a new one. In the new chapter, many of the characters from the previous chapter will no longer be included, and you?re one of them. No, let?s not look back. Tomorrow is what matters, but tomorrow will not happen unless I let go of yesterday, so I?m letting yesterday go.

Don?t let the song confuse you, I just knew it was the perfect song for us. Let me clarify myself, though, hard as it may be to leave you behind, I will be able to do it, because I have your promise. I?ll live without you, and I?ll do well.

Without me
How can you live without me?
My world is gone
You carry on
Without me

Well, this is it. Goodbye, and have a good life.

--------------

hello!!!

first up, apologies to poip!!! o, ayan na po, naayos ko na... sowee!!!!

in other news, i'm supposed to be at a sleepover with other yfc from our cluster... actually, i'm not all excited to go, so when mother said i couldn't, i didn't cry or anything like the last time (prom...). i'm only bothered with the fact that she still has trouble letting me sleep over in other houses... MY GOD! does she think i won't ever grow up??? i'm already bigger than her, and she knows i won't do anything stupid, or even anything i can't handle. damn, i really don't get this...

in yet other news, check out helga... cork board sent her an email... some sort of enemy closure... what can i say... uso talaga closure ngayon...

guess what came over me this afternoon? the spirit of good old gourmet cooking! this afternoon, i was about to rest when i suddenly felt the urge to make canellone... i already prepared ingredients for simply sweet & sour meatballs, but then i used them for the canelllone instead. can you believe? instead of sleeping, i rolled pasta dough really thin from three till five? oh well... it was really good... though i really don't know what came over me.

i forgot to mention that i received an easter present... reminded me of tottie... anyway, i got a 3r picture frame and a mini index. i'm not so sure about the mini index, but i could use the picture frame. i'll wait for the pictures andrew took last april 9...

damn, i look like i put a thick layer of balck eyeshadow under my eyes... i should sleep... i do sleep, but i didn't think i wasn't getting enough... yeah, sure, i don't sleep right away when i get to bed, in fact, i stay up for an hour or so after i lie down. i used to dring vodka to sleep, but now, a whole bottle of erg won't get me drowsy. i could read something... but what???

shit... i don't like this at all...

don't even think i'll make a comment about the SARS issue...

to end, allow me to quote Jason Mraaz (who, by the way, was interviewed by RX this morning...

I won't worry my life away

--------------

Friday, April 25, 2003

went to SM yesterday to get the rest of my summer supply. i was hoping i could avoid people i know... you know... i guess luck is just trying to be funny or something, because i saw squishy & girl walking from annex to the mainmall.

actually, the exact spot was in fron of the cinemas before the path towards annex from the mainmall. CRAP! I was walking fast because i was scared that someone might be there, then i saw this really cute guy. shit! i know he saw me, and she saw me, but i didn't give a friggin damn so i walked looking straight ahead.

MY RANT: HELLO!?!?!??!?!?! not that i still feel for the guy or anything, but, it's friggin SUMMER!!! can't they spend at least a week apart?friggin freaks of nature... they just had to be there.... GRRRRR!!!!!

anyway, i feel so irritated... ang init!!!

to end, i would like to quote counting crows:

don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone?

--------------

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

oooh... before i forget... this song is for someone... haha ewan ko kung mababasa mo to... bwahahaha...

Losing Grip

Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby
Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real
Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you
Why'd you turn away?
Here's what I have to say I was left to cry there,
waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare
That's when I decided

[chorus]
Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
You, you need to listen I'm starting to trip,
I'm losing my grip and I'm in this thing alone

Am I just some chick you place beside you to take somebody's place
when you turn around can you recognize my face you used to love me,
you used to hug me
But that wasn't the case
Everything wasn't ok I was left to cry there
waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare
That's when I decided

[chorus]

Crying out loud I'm crying out loud
Crying out loud I'm crying out loud

Open your eyes
Open up wide
Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there
when I was scared I was so alone Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
Why should I care
If you don't care then I don't care were not going anywhere
Why should I care cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
Why should I care If you don't care then i don't care were not going anywhere

--------------

Yesterday was ok, i guess...

I woke up at six, thinking I could drag my ass up to la salle by eight... i was so wrong...

after the whole household left, I caught this movie on hbo , the one with God having an amnesia to save this guy from eternal loneliness... some points were touching, i'd have to admit. but there were more bad actors than the number of times the word I was mentioned.

after the movie, i finally took a friggin bath, then dressed up, and went on my way to school... BWAHAHA! it feels so damn good to call it school ...

after my business in school , i rode an illegal transpo to former school.

***commercial, the song set you free by side a is being played... la lang, i recall i used this song with a former 'guy' in my life... i actually gave him a copy of the song (cassette tapes pa lang uso that time)... the song's a personal favorite, and at that time i was CRAZY about it... hanggang ngayon actually... anyway, this 'guy' whom i shall refer to hereon as TAPE, a few years later, told me that he still has the tape with him. i never asked him to prove it, though...***

an hour and a half later, which would make it lunchtime, i arrived at sm north. i went to school, picked up charlotte there, got my gradpic, exchanged with a few people, and went back to sm.

after purchasing my summer's supply of sanity, i left and went home--something i feel i'm about to despise.

they say being out of the house is soooo good... i'm about to believe them... if not for my sanity, i'd be out of this house.

now why can't classes start TODAY?????!!!!!

--------------

Sunday, April 20, 2003

Epilogue

Before I formally begin college, allow me to give you a summarization of my closing ceremony on High School

Last March 22, 2003, we had our Senior's Retreat. It was conveniently held in Quesci, meaning, it would never amount to anything productive, and there would be a whole lot of booze. For me it was quite simple; I went there, listened to bullshit from the 'FREE-MARITAL SEX' (supposedly 'Pre-Marital Sex") Most Sought-After Speakers.

I remember that before THEY started, they made a comment about our batch shirt. Actually, helga , Ernest, Riq, Ali, & I were just talking there, and one of the speakers asked Ernest, Anak, sino ba namatay? Bat lahat kayo mukhang maglalamay? She said that there are so many colors to chose from, so why the hell did we chose friggin BLACK?!?! (note: profanities mine). All I can say is, she should mind her own friggin business and try using black herself to hide those humongous flabs that show in her dull yellow get up.

The second thing that I remember is that i joined helga while she bonded with Cider. It only made me feel even more LOVELESS...

The third thing I remember is the drunk people, starting with Poip, then the Bec girls... Q: What's the square root of 169? A1: What the hell??? A2: 11?

The last thing I recall about the damn retreat is my teary speech in front. I cried while I apologized to my father for choosing DLSU over UPD . What can I say? DLSU is much cheaper than UPD ...

Then Graduation... To be honest, I hated it because OBA screwed the moment up for me, for Sassie, & most Especially for helga .

Grad Ball... During the Grad Ball, I liked the way I looked. I liked the way I came. But I hated it. It was then that I realized how things have changed during my four years in high school. I saw how much I damaged myself. I saw how I let somebody slip away, and how that somebody let me slip away. I swear, it sucked. It really hurt...

Aftermath... The people around me either wrote letters to their sadly beloveds or just sent them text messages and stuff... At first I was amazed at them, gosh, how... courageous? Actually, at first I thought pathetic. but when Joni showed me the text message she sent her sadly beloved, I felt it was the last straw, and while grocery shopping for my camping trip, I thought of everything I needed to say, and when I got home, I opened the computer and started typing away. A little more than an hour later, I was able to send the email. And that's all I can say about that.

I decided to leave High School behind already, along with many people from High School. I only intend to keep a handful with me to college, because they're all I need.

I wish my relationship with my HS buds will be like my relationship with my elementary buds. Andrew, for example, just left for Ca, and I email him frequently. I keep in touch with JM, and he probably knows a lot more about my lovelife than my seatmates. Joscar keeps in touch with me... The day before Andrew left, the four of us went to Makati, and there I realized that this is how it should be... None of us went to the same high school after elementary, and we're going separate ways again for college. Andrew's off to Pasadena City College , JM's off to University of Asia & the Pacific, Joscar's off to UP Diliman, and I'm off to De La Salle University. But still, I'm sure the bond will never change...

Tomorrow I'm off to DLSU to formally hand over my card to ensure my enrollment there... I guess I am off to college.

--------------

Hello!!!

Today is Easter Sunday, and while the whole synagogue greets you with the Risen Lord, I shall fromally open this Blog.

Today I formally consider myself in college... weeheee!

Gotta go to church...

--------------

Red Banana lives! Beware! The Goddess of Eternal Wrath lives, and she is out to get you! So start worshipping, lower being!

red banana got her name from blumintritt market place. she was very fond of the word banana so she used it. she loves jessica zafra, and she hates her for being so... RIGHT. if you want to please her, give her melons and ponkans and really good pasta. or just be nice. she may be happy academically but her love life sucks. over the years, she seems to have found an interest in taken guys. of course she always ends up broken. she loves to write... hindi ba obvious? she also loves to sing... she knows songs from almost any era... she doesn't have a favorite color... her color preferences change over the seasons. she loves musicals and broadway shows... why she can not explain. red banana's favorite shows include sex and the city and ally mcbeal.

&calvin and hobbes;
&peanuts;
&dennis the menace;
&garfield;

&freaked.banana;
&[insanity];
&<<intellects>>;
&solace;
&rebirth;
&purplechaste;
&make me sublime;
&faery in pain;
&confused;
&// si shiteru... //;
&jomic;
&pooh bear;
&stani;