Banana Crunch

2004-01-23T21:06:00.000+08:00

ATTENTION!!!

i have moved to tabulas.

please update your links, etc....

=)

2004-01-19T08:24:00.000+08:00

i changed the title of hte story below to Sweet Loneliness. i hate titles. i don't get them.

i've created an account at tabulas, in accordance with helga's recommendation... i might be moving there SOON.

hindi pa ako registered sa leap. leche.

2004-01-17T00:08:00.000+08:00

form two. the comments feature is on the hoofs, so if you have comments, just shout it to my face or something when you see me... =)

Cure for the Forlorn

[1]She patiently waited for her coffee while counting the number of doughnut holes on her table. They were just as she ordered - four chocolates, four custard creams, four butter creams and four sugar dipped. The same amount and flavors she has ordered ever since she started spending her free time at the cafe.

[2]"Miss Jeh-yan," called the girl behind the counter. Gühanne saw a big cup of what seemed as her order, but decided to wait and see if a certain Jeh-yan or Jee-yan would claim it. She knew that the person who took her order most probably misspelled her name, and now the girl mispronounced the misspelled name, but she can never be too sure. It was only when she heard "Miss Jeh-yan, your Irish Cream Blend, ma'am," did she find the courage to claim the order. Wallet and phone in hand, she went to the counter for her coffee. "Ma'am, your Irish cream?" the girl behind the counter asked her. Gühanne did not answer her in annoyance for mispronouncing the name; instead, she just nodded and took the plastic cup.

[3]Her heels made faint sounds on the tiled floor as she tried to walk as quickly as possible to her seat. It was a trick she learned from grade school when her oversized feet were protected by two-inch heels - the only pair in sale rack that fit her then. She slid her wallet inside her bag and placed the phone beside the steaming cup of coffee. There were no signs of messages, missed calls, no nothing, not even promotions from the phone company.

[4]The café was filled with the promises and sorrowful words of sentimental music from at least two decades ago. She sat at the table at the opposite end of the door, beside the wall where she can see all the other tables, all the people who enter and leave the room. The café was nearly half full, but of the occuppied tables, hers was the only one occupied by a person without a companion. They were seated near the door, conveniently near the counter too. There were three tables with pairs; two of which seemed to be lovers, unless they were friends who kiss after every bite on the Danish and every sip of coffee. Four seemingly elite ladies were seated on one table, giggling as they showed each other their cellphone messages. Every so often, a beep would be heard, and one of them would ask, "What did he say?"

[5]She had often imagined being in one of those ladies' shoes when she was younger and she couldn't afford the expensive coffee. It was a lifestyle she only knew from the movies; from television shows and magazines. Friends seated in a café, chatting about their new clothes, the paintings they've purchased, the movies they saw, the books they've read, the songs they've heard, the vacations they took, the men they've dated - all the things that went on in their elite lives. She pictured her best friends with her, in designer clothes with car keys in their purses, reminiscing about their childhood, their past. Each one of them would have a favorite coffee blend and pastry to match it, and they would marvel on how their lipsticks don't leave marks on the cups.

[6]Since six months ago she's had the opportunity to live the café lifestyle she has dreamed of, but Mark just wasn't the café sort of guy. She took him here once for lunch, and after eating pasta he made her swear never to have them eat there again. He was just not comfortable eating expensive, decorated food that his mother never makes. Gühanne half-heartedly conceded to Mark's requests, because after all, in those six months, she had no one else.

[7]Now that Mark was no longer with her, she stayed in the café, sipping on the expensive coffee that took the place of the decent lunch she used to share with Mark. A book she recently bought was on top of the table, but she could not bring herself to read it. She took a sip and found the coffee too hot and too bitter for her taste. She thought that maybe all coffee drinkers started not liking the bitter taste of coffee too, or maybe the Irish cream blend was just too strong. It would be fine for her; at least she can consume it slower and stay longer.

[8]She looked at her phone again, and it was quarter to ten. She remembered that she had work to do, so she took out a folded bunch of papers she got from the photocopier and a yellow highlighter. Just like the students she saw in a movie set in Harvard University - intelligent, hard working students use yellow highlighters and study while having coffee. They were taking up government policies during the Spanish occupation of the Philippines, which was a subject she's been weak at ever since. She was forced to study because her teacher was one of the most revered professors on campus, and she didn't want to make a fool of herself in class. She wanted to show the world that Gühanne Javier was above them all, she wanted the professor to acknowledge her intelligence, and her classmates to fight over who gets her for a study partner. None of her classmates were actually her friends, in fact none of them seemed to care when she entered the room on the first day of classes, nor did they bother to reserve a seat for her when she was late one time. She knew all her classmates' full names, but nobody seemed to know hers. Nevertheless, whoever was to become her study partner would be the luckiest person on campus - she was known to be the most responsible student in class. The thought of her classmates asking her to be their partner made her smile, but she knew very well that she would refuse them all, except Sebastian Eguia. She would gladly allow him to take her for granted, as long as he would be with her for at least another hour every week.

[9]She tried to focus on the article, but after highlighting twenty phrases in one paragraph, she felt exhausted. She took another sip of the bitter coffee, and tried her best to stop her body from twitching. She looked at the sugar packs on the counter. It would only take fifteen steps to get there, but she would have to pass through several tables. The café was nearly filled by now, but hers was still the only table occuppied by only one person. Only the three tables nearest hers were unoccuppied - as if everybody refused to be near her, perhaps for fear of becoming as ugly or as pathetic as she was. She chose not to go for the sugar packs, it would only be a hassle for her. And besides, she was the one who chose Irish Cream, so she would have to live with her decision. That was her new resolution - live with her decisions, so she should just drink the coffee as it was.

[10]But why did something so simple as getting sugar packets have to be such a hard thing for her? She could hardly believe herself. It wast not as if anybody was watching her, awaiting her next move, hoping to use it to make fun of her. This was no longer high school. She did not have her period, so there would be no stain on her pants. But still, she might trip on something, and then knock the table where the lovers were, and spill the hot coffee all over them. If that happens, the lovers would start cursing her no matter how hard she would try to apologize, and the people around her would think that she was such a lonely loser. She has been ugly and alone all this time, how else would people see her? She endured years of insults mostly because of the honest mistakes she made Any mistake, no matter how honest or intended, always lead to long-term suffering. If she humiliated herself in front of all these people in the café, she could never show up here again, and she would have to find another place where she could stay. She could not afford that at all, since this was the cheapest café in the vicinity, and to go to another one would leave her penniless.

[11]As it is, the prices are killing her, but she just reminded herself that this was the price of the lifestyle she wanted. Although she could cut down on her expenses by taking the smaller cup or refusing to buy pastries with her coffee, especially sixteen doughnut holes every day. For the same price she could eat a full meal with dessert outside. She could do that, in fact she already told herself to do that, but as soon as she enters the café and buys the coffee, something inside her pushes her to the pastries and forces her to buy the doughnut holes. Since she started going here this month, she has gained some weight from eating sweets everyday. There was a heap of doughnut holes in front of her - an inch to her waist, a flab into her thighs, and ten percent of the chances to meet someone good gone.

[12]That is why she started going here alone in the first place. She wanted to create an image of herself as someone sophisticated to attract somebody whose lifestyle was similar to the one she wanted. She has always imagined him to approach her while she was reading her new book, he would ask her if he could share the table with her. They would start talking about books, movies, paintings and music. After an hour or so, she would have to say goodbye and go to class, but they would exchange numbers and agree to meet again sometime.

[13]He would be very tall; around six feet tall, with big arms that could hold her and make her seem small and weak. His eyes would be dark and his lips soft and inviting for an intimate kiss. He would have his own car, and his own pad. The next day when she would be at the same table again, he would surprise her with a phone call. He would tell her that he's looking at a gorgeous woman right at that moment, and that he wonders if the woman would care to look at him outside the window. She would look outside and catch him smiling at her with flowers at hand. He would give her the flowers, and they would go out on a date. They would have dinner, and he would tell her that he wants to keep seeing her. He would start picking her up after her classes. One day she would ask him to take her to a park, and she would kiss him and tell him that she loves her. They would kiss, and they would sit at the café everyday, and be like the lovers who can't keep their lips apart.

[14]That would happen one day. Probably not today, but there is always a tomorrow, or next week, depending on how she looks. She has to wear something better everyday, something that would attract that guy - that tall guy with kissable lips.

[15]Sebastian Eguia stopped her imagination when he entered the room with his girlfriend. His girlfriend - the beautiful - no, she's not beautiful. Pretty, yes, but not beautiful. She had very light skin, and her face was small. She wore a tank top that complimented her tiny waist, and her hair was long and straight that she looked like a shampoo commercial model. She seemed perfect for him. Gühanne learned way back from high school that guys like Sebastian Eguia had girls who popped out of television commercials. Pretty girls from rich families who had perfect hair and perfect curves - everything she was not.

[16]They settled at a table somewhere near the door. He did not seem to notice her, so she pretended to be reading the article again. Every so often she would steal a glance at their direction, then highlight something to save her in case he would catch her looking. He seemed to be concentrated on his girl, pulling her chair closer and putting his arm around her. The same arms would make Gühannecrumble - she wondered what the girlfriend felt when Sebastian's arms were around her.

[17]She has always noticed how big Sebastian's arms were every time he took down notes and rested one of his elbows on her desk.. She could imagine how those arms would keep her warm right now, in this room that is so cold. She could tell even by looking at the back of his head that he was smiling - she could picture his smile everytime a joke was said in class. He had pink lips, somehow always wet with his saliva. One time he turned to Gühanne for a question, and his bright eyes seemed to have laser beams coming out of them, hurting her eyes, so she looked at his lips instead. At that moment, looking at the pinkish lips that stood out from his white skin, she almost tilted her head and pushed it against his. If not for the professor's warning to them for not paying attention, she would have pushed her tongue into his mouth.

[18]A girl caught her eye as she entered the café - she was alone, too. She carried a few books with her, and Gühanne thought she must be from the university. The girl settled at the table beside her, directly beside the wall. She placed her backpack on one chair and her books on the table, then she left with her cellphone and wallet for the counter. She had something hot too, and a doughnut. As soon as she sat down, she started reading one of her textbooks, but Gühanne noticed that she was also clandestinely looking around the room - checking everybody out. They both tried to look away whenever they met eye to eye, maybe to avoid embarrassment or any awkward situation..

[19]Not long after all tables near her were occupied by ladies who were also alone. Gühanne noticed they all brought something to read, and they all had hot drink and some sort of pastry. One of them ordered a big Danish, and the other had cookies with steamed milk. She recognized one of the girls as her former classmate in a lecture class - although she never really caught her name. It was such a big class, and she was not alone then - she had a friend in the class. Those were the days when she never had to eat alone; she always had Mark with her. How she wished that he still had the same classes with her. How she wished that she had been nice to the other people in her class; she wished that she made friends with more than just one person. She realized how exclusive her friendship with Mark was then - how she ignored the other people when they were together. But she only did that because they were both kept out of the other people's lives. They were just being out of place together.

[20]Another girl entered the room. She walked towards the area where Gühanne was, near the wall, and when she saw that there were no more available seats, she settled in one of the tables near the group of elite ladies. Gühanne noticed that she kept on looking at their direction. In the past few days she noticed that most ladies who come in alone settle in this area, her area, or their area - the lonely ladies' area. They all wanted to settle somewhere safe, like her. The safest place she could think of was the tables near the walls, where they hung paintings. She looked at the paintings around her - they were imitation prints of Van Gogh paintings. She looked at every single one of them - she has always liked Van Gogh paintings. The very small traces of light that he tried to portray in the dark paintings echoed the soul of a lonely painter. The very same paintings echoed her lonely heart.

[21]Gühanne took a deep breath - she had long admitted it to herself that: she was lonely. She's been lonely for a long time, but she's never been lonely alone. Somehow being without a friend magnified every inch of the loneliness within her. Maybe here at the lonely ladies' area, they were looking for a way to make loneliness easier; they were being alone together.

[22]She smiled to herself and took a sip of the coffee. She twitched at the bitterness of the drink - this was no longer right. She looked around her, and saw that Sebastian was busy with his girl, the elite ladies were engaged in their conversation and nobody else seemed to mind her existence. She stood up and walked over to the counter, took three packets of brown sugar and turned back. on her way back to her seat, Sebastian saw her. "Gühanne! I didn't see you there."

[23]For a moment it seemed like a dream, her dream. It would have been perfect had his girlfriend been away when he spotted her. For pride, she never paused to leave even a sentence with him, but she smiled while making the faint sounds from her heels.

[24]She went back to her table and poured the three packets of sugar on her coffee. It's not as hot as it was an hour ago, but it was still warm. She tasted the coffee - it was much better now. She went back to reading the article, and took down notes. After finishing two pages, she felt some pain in her neck and started rotating it, when a man with flowers entered the room. He walked over to one of the lonely ladies, who lit up when she saw the man. They kissed and sat down - she was not lonely after all.

[25]She went back to reading, but she saw that she had not touched the doughnut holes at all. She started eating the sweet pastries while reading and taking down notes from the rest of the article. Once in a while, she would see what Sebastian and his girl were doing, but she would dismiss the thought right away, to avoid certain certain emotions the song being played at the moment was about. As soon as she finished the article, she looked at her phone. She still had a little more than half an hour before she should start walking back to class.

[26]She opened her new book and started reading, when she heard her phone beep. She quickly read the message, as if it were the one thing she's been waiting for all morning - it was from Sebastian. He asked if she was going to their class, and if they could go there together. When she looked at him she saw that he was busy talking to his girl. For a while she thought that maybe it was a prank message or something, but it was clear that it was Sebastian's number, and she saw him holong his phone under the table with his free hand.

[27]She started composing her reply - she agreed to go back together. She had always wanted to show up in class together; hopefully one of the more malicious classmates would spot them and make rumors about the two of them dating. She could dwell in her dreams of uncountably many rumors being made about their relationship all day. If she could have him, even if it's only in a world of dreamed gossips, she would take the chance. She has been trying to find a way to start a rumor about them, but the fear of Sebastian avoiding her stopped her.

[28]Just before sending the message, she ate one sugar dipped doughnut hole and found it too sweet for her taste. When she drank coffee to neutralize the sweetness, instead of helping, the coffee worsened the condition of her tastebuds. She erased the message she composed for Sebastian, and motioned one of the waiters cleaning up to get her a glass of water. She drank more than half of the glass in one gulp and found the taste of water to be more than refreshing - she has not had much water for quite some time. She never bothered to drink water when she was not at home - she found it too plain, and she feared that people would think her cheap for drinking water when there were more than twenty kinds of coffee available.

[29]A while after she decided to get back to her book, she heard her phone beep again but decided to ignore it. The Van Gogh print above the table where her former classmate was seated caught her eye - it was her favorite painting, the outdoor restaurant scene. She had seen settings like the painting from scenes in romantic movies and luxury travel shows, and has since dreamt of eating in fancy places like that in Europe. She had always thought of it as romantic. She felt that Van Gogh did not only paint this as an expression of longing for companionship and happiness in his life. She smiled as she stared at the painting, but then felt somebody watching her. "What are you smiling about?" a deep voice asked.

[30]She looked up at Sebastian. "I'm not smiling." He sat across from her without invitation and started talking about the messages he's been sending her in the last few minutes. She looked at where he was seated with his girlfriend and found it empty - he must be uncomfortable being left alone. He asked her if they could walk to their class together. As he spoke laser beams came out of his eyes and pierced through Gühanne's eyes. To protect herself from them, she focused elsewhere - his lips. They were moving - opening and closing every so often. She could see his toungue moving too. She wondered if his mouth would be warm, or cold like the tube ice they practiced kissing on when they were younger. Perhaps he would like to try and kiss her too, just out of curiousity - even for just three seconds. She felt her head tilting and very slowly moving forward - but she was stopped when he put a chocolate doughnut hole into his mouth and started chewing. In between chewing with his mouth open, he asked her if she would finish the rest of the doughnut holes.

[31]"If you want, you could have all of my pastries."

2004-01-16T18:22:00.000+08:00

FYI, this is its first form. i would love to have comments for my first revision. =)

Lonely Ladies' Area

She patiently waited for her coffee while counting the number of doughnut holes on her table. They were just as she ordered - four chocolates, four custard creams, four butter creams and four sugar dipped. The same doughnut holes she ordered yesterday, and the day before.

"Miss Jee-yan," sounded the speakers. Wallet and phone in hand, she went to the counter for her coffee. "Ma'am, your Irish cream?" the girl behind the counter asked her. Gühanne did not answer her for misprounouncing the name, instead she nodded and took the plastic cup to her seat. She checked on her cellphone - no messages, no missed calls, no nothing, not even from the phone company.

The café was filled with soft, sentimental music from at least two decades ago. She sat at the table at the opposite end of the door, where she can see all the other tables, all the people who enter and leave the room. She noticed that there were only ten people on the tables with her - but only she was alone. They were seated near the door, conveniently near the counter too. There were three tables with pairs; two of which seemed to be lovers, unless they were friends who kiss after every bite on the Danish and every sip of coffee. Four ladies were seated on one table, giggling as they showed each other their cellphone messages. Every so often, a beep would be heard, and one of them would ask, "What did he say?"

She had often imagined being in one of those ladies' shoes when she was younger and she couldn't afford the expensive coffee. It was a lifestyle she only knew from the movies; from television shows and magazines. Friends seated in a café, chatting about their new clothes, paintings they've purchased, the movies they saw, books they've read, songs they've heard, vacations they took, men they've dated - all the things that go on in their elite lives. She pictured her best friends with her, in designer clothes with car keys in their purses, reminiscing about their childhood, their past. Each one of them would have a favorite coffee blend and pastry to match it, and they would marvel on how their lipsticks don't leave marks on the cups.

Now she's at the café, sipping on the expensive coffee that took her decent lunch away. A book she recently bought was on top of the table, but she could not bring herself to read it. She looked around her - she was the only person in the room without a companion. She took a sip and found the coffee too bitter for her taste, but she opted not to stand to get sugar. She figured that all coffee drinkers started not liking the bitter taste of coffee, or maybe the Irish cream blend was just too strong. It would be fine for her; at least she can consume it slower and stay longer.

She looked at her phone again, and it was quarter to ten. She remembered that she had work to do, so she took out a folded bunch of papers and a yellow highlighter. Just like the students she saw in a movie set in Harvard University - intelligent, hard working students use yellow highlighters. The topic was Spanish government policies during the Spanish occupation of the Philippines. Her teacher was one of the most revered professors on campus, and she didn't want to make a fool of herself in class. She wanted to show the world that Gühanne Javier was above them all, she wanted the professor to acknowledge her intelligence, and her classmates to fight over who gets her for a study partner. She wanted Sebastian to go out of his way and pick her as a study partner.
After highlighting twenty phrases in one paragraph, she felt exhausted. She took another sip of the bitter coffee, and tried her best to stop her body from twitching. She looked at the sugar packs on the counter. It would only take fifteen steps to get there, but she would have to pass through the tables. More people came in, but none alone like her, nor did they sit near her. the four tables around her were the only ones empty, as if everybody refused to be near her, for fear of becoming as ugly or as pathetic as she was. The coffee couldn't be that bad, she'd just have to live with it.

Why did something so simple as getting sugar packets matter to her? It's not as if somebody's watching her, awaiting her next move and use it to make fun of her. This is no longer high school. She did not have her period, so there will be no stain on her pants. But still, she might trip on something, and then knock the table where the lovers were, and spill the hot coffee all over them. If that happens, the lovers will start cursing her, no matter how hard she would try to apologize, and the people around her would think that she did it because she was jealous of the lovers. After all she was ugly and alone, what other reason could there be? One mistake always lead to long-term humiliation. If she humiliated herself in front of all these people in this café, she could never show up here again, and she would have to find another café. And this is the cheapest café she could find, going elsewhere would rob her penniless.

As it is, the prices are killing her, but she just reminded herself that this was the price of the lifestyle she wanted. She could cut down, though, like take a smaller cup or refuse to buy pastries with her coffee. She should do that, in fact she already told herself to do that. But as soon as she enters the café and buys the coffee, something inside her pushes her to the pastries and forces her to buy the doughnut holes. Since she started going here this month, she has gained some weight from eating sweets everyday. There were sixteen doughnut holes in front of her - an inch to her waist, a flab into her thighs, and ten percent of the chances to meet someone gone.

That is why she started going here alone in the first place. She wanted to create an image of herself as someone sophisticated, and she wanted someone who was also a regular at the café to see her and fall in love with her. She imagined him to approach her while she's reading her new book, he'd ask her if he could share the table with her. They would start talking about books, movies, paintings and music. After an hour or so, she would have to say goodbye and go to class, but they would exchange numbers and agree to meet again sometime.

He would be very tall; around six feet tall, with big arms that could hold her and make her seem small and weak. His eyes would be dark and his lips soft and inviting for an intimate kiss. He would have his own car, and his own apartment unit. The next day when she would be at the same table again, he would surprise her with a text message. He would tell her that he's looking at a gorgeous woman right at that moment, and that he wonders id the woman would care to look at him outside the window. She would look outside and catch him smiling at her with flowers at hand. He would give her the flowers, and they would go out on a date. They would have dinner, and he would tell her that he wants to keep seeing her. He would start picking her up after her classes. One day she would ask him to take her to a park, and she would kiss him and tell him that she loves her. They would kiss, and they would sit at the café everyday, and be like the lovers who can't keep their lips apart.

That would happen one day. Probably not today, but there is always a tomorrow, or next week, depending on how she looks. She has to wear something better everyday, something that would attract that guy - that tall guy with kissable lips.

Sebastian Eguia stopped her imagination when he entered the room with his girlfriend. His girlfriend - the beautiful - no, she's not beautiful. Pretty, yes, but not beautiful. She had very light skin, and her face was small. She wore a tank top that complimented her tiny waist, and her hair was long and straight that she looked like a shampoo commercial model. She seemed perfect for him. Gühanne learned way back from high school that guys like Sebastian Eguia had girls who popped out of television commercials. Pretty girls from rich families - everything she was not.

They settled at a table somewhere near the door. He did not seem to notice her, so she pretended to be reading the article again. Every so often she would steal a glance at their direction, then highlight something to save her in case he would catch her looking. He seemed to be concentrated on his girl, pulling her chair closer and putting his arm around her. The same arms would make Gühanne feel secure - she wondered what the girlfriend felt when Sebastian's arms were around her.

A girl entered the café - she was alone. She carried a few books with her, and Gühanne thought she must be from the university too. she settled at the table beside her, also beside the wall. She placed her backpack on one chair and her books on the table, then she left with her cellphone and wallet for the counter. She had something hot too, and a doughnut. As soon as she sat down, she started reading too, but Gühanne noticed that she was also looking around the room - checking everybody out. Gühanne tried to look away whenever they met eye to eye, and so did the girl.

Not long after all three tables nearest her were occupied by ladies who were alone like her. they all brought something to read, and they all had coffee and some sort of pastry. One of them ordered a big Danish, and the other had cookies with steamed milk. She recognized one of the girls as her former classmate in a lecture class - although she never really caught her name. It was such a big class, and she was not alone then - she had a friend in the class. Those were the days when she never had to eat alone; she always had her friend with her. How she wished that she still had the same classes with her. How she wished that she had been nice to the other people in her class; she wished that she made friends with more than just one person. She realized how exclusive their friendship was then - how she ignored the other people when they were together. But she only did that because they were both kept out of the other people's lives. They were just being out of place together.

Another girl entered the room. She walked towards the area where Gühanne was, and when she saw that there were no available seats near the wall, she settled in one of the tables near the group of elite ladies. Gühanne noticed that she kept on looking at their direction. Just like yesterday, she found that all people who come in alone settle in this area, her area - the lonely ladies' area, she thought. they all wanted to settle somewhere safe, like her. The safest place she could think of was the tables near the walls, where they hung paintings. She looked at the paintings around her - they were imitation prints of Van Gogh paintings. She looked at every single one of them - she has always liked Van Gogh paintings. The very small traces of light that he tried to portray in the dark paintings echoed the soul of a lonely painter. The very same paintings echoed her lonely heart.

Gühanne took a deep breath - she had to admit it to herself: she's lonely. She's been lonely for a long time, but she's never been lonely alone. Somehow being alone magnified every inch of the loneliness within her. Maybe that was why the people who come in alone settle near the walls. They were looking for a way to make loneliness easier; they were being alone together.

She smiled to herself and took a sip of the coffee. She twitched at the bitterness of the drink - she couldn't take it anymore. She looked around her, and saw that Sebastian was busy with his girl, the elite ladies were engaged in their conversation and nobody else seemed to mind her existence. She stood up and walked over to the counter, took three packets of brown sugar and turned back. on her way back to her seat, Sebastian saw her. "Gühanne! I didn't see you there."

She never stopped for him, but she smiled. She went back to her table and poured the three packets of sugar on her coffee. It's not as hot as it was an hour ago, but it was still warm. She tasted the coffee - it was much better now. she went back to reading the article, and for some reason she understood it, and took down notes. After finishing two pages she looked up and saw that there was one less lonely lady in the room - a lady friend has come to be with her.

She went back to reading, but she saw that she had not touched the doughnut holes at all. She started eating the sweet pastries while reading and taking down notes from the rest of the article. As soon as she finished the article, she looked at her phone. She had a little more than half an hour before she should start walking back to class. She opened her new book and started reading, when she heard her phone beep. She quickly read the message - it was from Sebastian. He asked if she was going to their class, and if they could go there together. When she looked at him she saw that he was busy talking to his girlfriend. She started composing her reply - she agreed to go back together. Before sending the message, she ate one sugar dipped doughnut hole and found it too sweet. When she drank coffee to balance the taste out, she found the coffee too sweet. She then erased the message she was composing, and decided to ignore Sebastian's message and go back to reading.

A while later she heard her phone beep again, but she opted to ignore it. She looked at the Van Gogh print - it was her favorite painting, the outdoor restaurant scene. She had dreamed of eating in fancy places like that in Europe. She had always thought of it as romantic. She felt that Van Gogh did not only paint his lonely soul, but he also portrayed the yearning for beauty and happiness in his heart. She smiled as she stared at the painting, but then felt somebody watching her. "What are you smiling about?"

"Oh, it's nothing."

"You like the picture?"

"Yeah, it's Van Gogh."

"Isn't that the looney who killed himself?"

"He committed suicide, yes." Somehow she couldn't help but smile while talking to Sebastian.

"I've been sending you messages - why don't you check your phone."

She took her phone from her bag and read his last message - it was the same as the first message. She apologized for not noticing his messages. She looked at the table where he was seated with his girlfriend - she was gone.

He went to the bathroom while she fixed her things. She kept her book, the article, her notes, and saw the coffee and about half the doughnuts left. The touched the coffee cup - it got cold. Sebastian waved at her to stand, so she left her table and approached one of the girls at the counter. "Could you wrap those doughnut holes and hand them to the old woman at the corner." She saw her reflection at the glass countertop and saw that her lipstick was gone and her hair was untidy, but Sebastian was outside waiting for her. She looked back and saw her former classmate was no longer alone too. She wasn't lonely after all, just alone, but not anymore. A guy had his arm around her, and they both seemed happy.

As she walked out the door, the security guard thanked her and asked her to come again. She smiled at him and looked at Sebastian holding his phone to his ear. She knew she'd come back again.

2004-01-13T14:49:00.000+08:00

allow me to tell you about my daily stuff...

monday

0800 - 1100
physics lab.

1100 - 1140
break ko, but since we never usually end at 11 sa phylab1, or any basic lab course for that matter, i spend at least an hour sa Java Cafe (likod ng aristocrat, aka animo canteen) for lunch with frapp and do my homework.

1140 - 1310
math114, otherwise known as integral calculus. did i mention kasama ko ang math majors? good thing paul copied my exact schedule.

1310 - 1430
break ulit. ito ang binabalak kong ilaan as malate time. di ko nga lang nagawa kasi maraming kinailangang ayusin.

1430 - 1530
orcosci, otherwise known as oral communication for science majors. dito kami tinuturuan kung paano ang tamang pag lecture, pag defend ng thesis, at pag basa ng research paper. kung business major pala ako, tuturuan nila ako ng tamang sales talk! =)

1540 - 1640
lecheng filipi2. leche kasi hindi ko feel ang guro, kahit sub lang ang humaharap sakin. hindi ko rin feel ang mga cross-enrollees from cbe. ang eepal. no offense meant to all cbe-ers, just those i can't stand.

tapos uwi na ko.

wednesday

0930 - 1130
pe ko, taekwondo ata. bukas natin malalaman.

1140 - 1240
integral calculus again

1240 - 1430
u-break, otherwise known as malate time.

1430 - 1640
orcosci and filipi2

friday

0810 - 1110
inolab2, otherwise known as inorganic chemistry lab 2. maraming kasama na bs psych. unlike science majors, may kaingayan sila. parang math majors.

1110 - 1140
dahil lab nga ito, maaga nanaman natatapos at hindi nasusunod ang schedule. i spend at least an hour (emphasis on AT LEAST. usually 2 hours yun e) at Java Cafe, kung saan nakikita ko ang crush kong hindi ko naman kilala at ang girlfriend niyang exact opposite ko -- petite, long, straight, shiny hair, flawless white skin, tiny waist, tiny boobs. habang nagsusulat ako or kumakain ako, naglalambingan sila over either japanese food or sizzling something. makapal ang mukha nilang kumuha ng tissue sa coffee bar.

1140 - 1310
integral calculus. antidifferentiation. the derivative was too hard for most physics majors, imagine the antiderivative. i'm still doing ok, though... pero maingay ang math majors. parang high school.

1310 - 1430
malate time

1430 -1640
orcosci at filipi2 kung saan kasama ko ang filthy rich braindeads.

tuesdays and thursdays

0800 - 0930
inorganic chemistry 2. prof ko and dean ng cos. kanina ang first lecture niya, and damn! i enjoyed it! parang si dr. hila mag-lecture! ang galing galing galing galing galing!!! he won't ever insult your intelligence!!! =) not to mention having him as prof turned an 8 - people class into a graduate school class! kasama kasi namin ulit sina marlene, the teachers. hehehe... =)

0930 - 1120
break. meaning: sit sa same area sa java cafe, with hot coffee naman, kasi medyo matagal tagal ang break ko. i dnt eat lunch, just pastries that go well with the drink. gagawa ng inolab, titingin tingin sa immitation van gogh paintings, and magsusulat about the people na laba-pasok sa cafe.

1120 - 1250
fundamentals of physics 1. with the vice dean of cos as my prof. yep! dean and vice dean all in one day! yippee!!!

tapos uwi na ulit.

2004-01-09T20:33:00.000+08:00

when your math teacher smiles throughout your class, you know that there's a catch...

one you may not be ready for.

my first class for the term had only 3 students. damn it, good thing i was guided through the adjustment just well. i was scheduled for the math114 with the math majors, the really noisy, well bonded ones. last wednesday i was there all alone.

afterwards i had lunch with cindy... with people from the chinese community whom I DO NOT LIKE AT ALL. two of them were very RUDE. the only reason why i bothered staying was because i scheduled the lunch, and as far as i was concerned, the only chinese person invited was cindy.

after that lunch, i went to a malate prose meeting. maia tried to finalize her quitting. i can't blame her for quitting -- she's no longer happy. and in my opinion, happiness is just something you can't live without. spending time unhappy will only make you very similar to....... me. but i'm not quitting. malate doesn't make me unhappy. it's the only thing that saves me from more unhappiness.

in filipino class, i started feeling guilty. why am i writing in english? my diary is in english. this blog is in english. my prose, in general, is in english.

I should start writing in Filipino.

nakapagpasaya talaga saakin ang huwebes. punong-puno ako ng excitement dahil magiging titser ko and dean at vice dean ng COS. =) nasa bingid ng pagka-dissolve ang klase ko sa inoche2, ngunit pinangako ni Dr. J na aayusin niya para magtuloy-tuloy. sana nga.

i can't take it anymore.

i promise to start writing in filipino, but not right now, okay?

2004-01-05T14:47:00.000+08:00

because i intentionally went to cattle creek instead of renewing my scholarship last saturday, i braced myself for a long, red-tape sort of renweal today. originally i planned to go to dlsu at 8 am, as soon as they start the day, but my bed got the better of me and i woke up half-past 8.

after a very long bath and a very slow dress-up scene, i was off to school. got there by 1030, and i went straight to ls conference a. when i got there, i sat in line (yes dear, hindi uso and stand in line sa lasalle) and waited. afterwards i asked them what i should do since i already passed my eaf last december. they directed me to the next room, then the student assistant asked for my name, then handed me my EAF form. signed and stamped. she said to me, "Ok na yan."

i spent less than 5 minutes inside renewal room, then i walked past the accounting office again. i saw the crowded hall, the noisy students pissed at waiting....

I love being a scholar.

it was 1040 in the morning, too early to go home. so i crossed taft avenue to find a ride to sm manila. i found that comfy jeepneys were hard to come by, so i took a cab. ten minutes later, i was inside the mall. at half past twelve i left the mall with a new bag and some kikay stuff. i decided to take the long way home (on the road, not on train), and at 1240 i was home, my mother too surprised. ha.

tonight we're going back to paz for lola charing's wake... she died single, taking care of her neices and nephews... and to think i just read CJ Maraan's Testament, (which i recommend to girls like me)... really freaky.

i mean, to die alone... in testament the girl was a virgin... i felt particularly sad for her, and yet glad because it was exactly what she wanted... i wonder if lola charing wanted to die alone... would i want the same thing?

speaking of cj maraan... she has a thing for writing in a dead-person's point of view. two stories in her book transient were written in this style -- Testament and Ghost. the former works, because she doesn't dare explain the state of being a dead thing; she simply presents the dead person as someone who walks around the wake room, observing people. in the latter she makes a mistake by trying to explain the state of being dead, which makes the story somehow ridiculous. i did get something from the story, though, a line that really caught me:

Yes, I remember the red banana you stole for me when that poor lola wasn't looking.

2004-01-03T21:25:00.000+08:00

today the nuclear family went to Cattle Creek, San Jose Del Monte for my dad's band's outing.

the place was partly owned by one of the band members. damn, that piece of property is so friggin big. if i'm not mistaken, 1,100 hectares or so...

at 4 in the morning i dragged my sleepy butt to th shower and prepared for the day ahead. we left home at 530, and we met 3 of dad's bandmates, all three of them without their families, at 6 am for the first batch -- the golfers. i was tempted to play golf once we reached the place, the country club, if i'm not mistaken, is named Archie's Land. what a corny name for something within cattle creek.

at 7 in the morning (amazingly the ride took less than an hour, passing through the FAIRVIEW area) my dad was off to the driving range for a head start, and my mom along with the two monkeys were getting impatient with me because i was still sleeping in the car. at 730, she finally said, "ano ba, dandi, andito ba tayo para mag-swimming o para matulog?". evil. purely evil, i tell you.

so i dragged my still-sleepy butt again towards the country club. the only reason why i wanted to come in early was for swimming-- i didn't want to lose another shade to the sun. then we found out that the pool was indoors, and they were still cleaning it at 730 am, so my sleep-deprived butt was sent to the cafe upstairs to wait for an entire HOUR. think of all the sleep i missed. sheht.

we tried playing billiards to kill time (and to prevent me from killing someone). i found that i've improved a little, i can now hit balls. =)

after much wait and senseless bickering on the rules of billiards, the pool was ready. i jumped in, and froze. ladies and gentlemen, i can now say that i felt what Jack and Rose felt when the titanic sank. cold is not enough to describe this chlorine-overdosed pool. i gave up after six laps. the cold water at Cresta Monte is NOTHING compared to this. i actually ran to the sun and embraced the skin-damaging rays. i'm proud to say though, that my skin is unaffected.

after dad and the three other golfers finished 2 rounds of golf we went to the Marina, a man-made lake (of 2 hectares) suitable for fishing, with nearby pavillons and a small stable where retired racers are placed.

the food: grilled everything, fish mostly, lasagna, and other stuff i never bothered to taste. the fish was good, though. the original plan was for the other band members (who arrived with their entire families) to catch fish from the lake, then eat it. their wives, though, feared that their husbands wouldn't be able to catch fish, so they bought and cooked fish prior to the outing. good thing they did that, because when i tried to catch fish, the closest thing i caught was a branch.

so i've decided that the slimy work in fishing is actually classy, but i don't think i'd want to fish in that damned lake EVER again.

i enjoyed the day, really... although i didn't get to ride a horse. i wanted to wander with a horse around the area, but the guides wouldn't trust the horses to anyone. sheht.

well, i have to go and take care of my nephew now... =)

2004-01-02T13:03:00.000+08:00

This update is VERY long….. be forewarned.

pooh bear's a blogger! =) yippee! =)

Where should I start? I’ve been putting off blogging for quite some time, first during the final exams week, then the holidays…. Until arun reminded me last 31st…

Final Exams
I was unprepared for my lab exam…. Actually, I was quite unprepared for my inoche exam… not that I didn’t do so well, I just didn’t KNOW all the answers. The calculus exam was, well, funny… easy but not easy, but very much entertaining. =)

In Between FEs and CCs
Helga invited me to go to UP and watch the (tenenenen tenen!) oblation run… =) afterwards we planned to go to watch Rugrats Go Wild… I arrived there barely on time, and thank god there were xientians everywhere, I eventually found my way to Helga. by chance I also met with Kelly, and with Ethel we moved to the corridors of what they call the AS bldg… there were about six layers of people face to face, three along each wall. Ethel and I were lucky (?) enough to be positioned at the innermost layer, the one immediately after the aisle. =) the people there were all chanting, and I beg forgiveness to those eating sausages or coctail hotdogs or canned frankfurters, Titi! Titi! Titi!

After much waiting and confusion as to where the naked runners were to come from, the APO flag was seen. I expected around, five or so masked naked men… but then my eyes were caught by a swrm of fifteen or so masked naked men running like little monkeys. Not even hot. It was like watching…. Oh damn it, I just can’t say it. It will be insulting to men. I’ll just borrow the sugar-coated words Helga used to describe them as soon as they left the corridor – “Kala mo naman kung ano e ang liliit naman!”

After meeting with other xientians, Helga and I decided to watch the movie in cubao since she was going to get her new pair of eyes. Much to our dismay, they weren’t showing rugrats, so we watched Intolerable Cruelty instead. Damn, that movie was funny… and don’t you think Catherine Zeta-Jones is just pretty? Gorgeous even? I can’t think of one scene in that movie where she looked at least mediocre. Now talk of George Clooney… my hubby… hehehe…. Teeth.

The next day I was back in UP for the Lantern Parade. Dad drove us there at around 1 or so, because he wanted to park somewhere safe and bond with his brods. It was like watching him in college again. Ali commented that the frat was quite rich… hehehe. Turns out the neophyte during the BE sportsfest years ago was maitha’s brother. I remember getting pissed at dad and the other older brods for being so… mean. Anyway, he lived through the initiation, so I guess he’s good. Dad and the other titos kept on asking me about engineering batchmates who could be recruited… yoko nga, gaguhin pa ng tatay ko.

The fireworks display was great, too bad my companions had to miss it. After the affair, we drove by Yellow Cab for some mouth watering pizza… =)

Course Cards
Made it to dean’s list again, barely, and got my first two 4.0s. Pooh Bear was right about Inoche, I got a 4.0 there. =) as far as I know, in my block, only 3 of us passed math113, and the other two are SHIFTEES! So I’ll be alone in 114? What? What? What?! Good, except I’d have to make friends.

Cindy gave me a hearty bracelet for Christmas. kasi my heart ain't good enough to get a guy. Gotta admit, I’m gonna miss her company. She’s the one who reminds me of stuff to do… wonder what I’ll do… get a secretary?

Rooftop II
a short story is to come in a few weeks time about Guhanne, Roie, Terri, Jenga, =), Eiann, Takeshi, Cheki, A-chu, and Freidrich.

All I can say is, for rooftop III, I’ll convince my parents to get a new grill, bettwer charcoal (the super charcoal from S&R), and I’ll marinade the liempo before they even arrive. =) and as Cheki and Friedrich reminded me, more BOOZE.

Christmas
you know you’re getting older when you don’t get as much money and you can predict what they’ll give you for Christmas.

Family Lamierda I
we went to intamuros and ate at the street resto’s eat all you can ekekekek. It’s like dining in Europe! =) roamntic, as usual, but that’s just Intramuros. I only hate being there because it’s so romantic and it rubs that to your single, loveless face. Not to mention one of my aunts ruined it for me after ordering us to take the tigulangs (old people) around the lace ahead of them. Argh! We should have stayed in intramuros and they should have stayed with the old people in that cultural fucking crap. But no, we had to move about to policarpio and found nothing. Nothing. Nothing. FUCK!!!!

Family Lamierda II
we went to pampanga for the paskuhan village. Somewhere in the north expressway we found out that there was no longer a paskuhan village, so we decided to go to clarke instead, but pass through the san fernando exit still. Thank god we decided to do that, because at the toll gate we were informed that the paskuhan thing still existed. But now it’s known as WOW HILAGA. It’s like intramuros, but smaller. Also like dining in Europe, and the band was much better than in intramuros.

30th
Helga and I met at 10++ (because I was late; I got off the bus two blocks away! I walked in three inch heels!) and found out that the movies’d start at 12. =) we watched mano po2 and cryinmg ladies, after which we ate dessert at café bola.

I. Mano Po 2.

When Zsa Zsa Padilla and daughter Karylle both play pure Chinese roles, you know that this is one hell of a joke. It’s as if they just wanted to participate again with a Chinese flick that they made do with a loser story, crappy script and ridiculous cast. If you haven’t seen this movie, do yourself a favor – DON”T DARE WATCH IT. It’s crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Waste of time and money. if Helga and I hadn’t watched this, we would have been able to watch crying ladies on time and eat two servings of the pudding at café bola. The story was quite simple. This then this then this. But they had to do it close up then close up this close up then close up this closeup then close up slow mo. Waste of time. It’s not as if the close ups emphasize or even show emotions and drama. They show bad makeup attempting to make filipinos look Chinese. Too bad they ended up making them look stupid, and lorna looking like a cat. Then there’s this terrible acting by the click cast. Yuch. When alessandra de rossi starts acting, you know you’re in for a big laugh. Then the gutierrez guy who looks like he ran out of visine and the weird scene where karylle just bursts in to Lorna’s house and smashes vases with an ax, cogie with her, then from the insides of the house comes zsazsa, a non-resident of the said house, who smashes ad steps on lorna’s picture with furry pointy shoes. Of course there’s the ridiculous theme song written in Chinese and sung by zsazsa. This is a really good piece of shit, ideal for people without brains. It will make them sleep.

II. Crying Ladies

This made me laugh. It was very funny. It made very good points. It can make you cry, except it presents the drama within funny scenes, so forget about the tissue boxes. =) Hilda Coronel as aling Choleng aka Rhoda Rivera was great. Angel Aquino proved to me that she could act and she was quite good with it. Eric Quizon gave a very good performance, he knew his character and dealt with it with style. Of course there’s sharon cuneta, who for the first time I was able to tolerate. I guess I jut don’t like her non-role self. =) I can’t do a proper review for this, because I like it too much. =)

III. Café’ Bola

We ordered this pudding that Helga has been raving about for years. it was very good, I’d admit. Even better that I expected! =) I can’t do a proper review for this, because I like it too much. =)

New Year
eve was spent at the sierra house drinking. =) and they couldn’t so anything about me drinking. =) I didn’t get drunk, not even tipsy. And I still don’t like beer.
I received a particularly sweet greeting, although I know for a fact that it was not intended to be sweet. It was from Cheki: happy new year. And ibig sabihin ng 2004 ay rooftop 3&4. the rooftop people have bonded. Bwahahahahahahahahaha.

Day was spent in halves. First at nova where my grandfather panicked at the amount of food to cook, ending up with enough food to feed the entire subdivision. Night with the Abises, eating food AGAIN (I swear to god, I’ve gained weight again! Back to the badminton court for me!) and drinking baileys… =) dad kept on asking me, lasing ka na? and to think we had it at the rooftop. =) I pointed out the spot where I got drunk last rooftop I. =)

I’ve been having troubl;e sleeping, so I read. I just finished Helga’s The Solitaire Mystery (Jostein Garrder), which was very good. Then I read CJ Maraan’s collection of short stories Transient. She has a grudge on Americans, but in one story TESTAMENT (I’ve encountered three stories of this title), I found a line that best describes my state at this moment:

Love. It is always the most terrifying thing.

shen ten kuai le! =)

2003-12-26T16:48:00.000+08:00

merry christmas!

2003-12-01T12:02:00.000+08:00

i'm through with the camp. yippee!!!

what to say... hmm... i'm waiting for my turn to defend my comsci project... i wish something would happen to speed up the damn process................................ ang tagal!!!

last week was hell for me, and i know that this week will be hell for me too.

i won't be able to make it to the mlf booklaunching. fuck. fuck. fuck. and to think i was hoping it would be the "thing" to cheer me up... ARRRGGHH!!!

too pissed. sorry.

2003-11-27T15:03:00.000+08:00

okay... last night we had a meeting [yfc] re the camp this weekend.

i realized that i really do want to get out, but i still can't, thanks to the ever so helpful presence of my cousin and cousin in law as our coordinator... it will be one of the hardest things to do, but when i do it, i know i'll be super proud of myself.

haah. the venue we got for the camp is ideal for my proposed greek debut... that's the only good thing i can think of about the camp.

in other news, riq called me yesterday... haaah.

tonight's malate night, but i didn't bring anything to read... what the hell... i got myself a deal with my mom... we were talking about how people tend to bribe their children into doing stuff, then i told her that she's never bribed me. ever. i'm too much of a good daughter to be bribed. so she came up with this: if i submit something for LitAw, she'll get me a laptop [but not soon]... i agreed. she was so relieved that i was willing to do my part before the bribe. lucky woman.

2003-11-26T12:56:00.000+08:00

this actually ended at 5 am... ngayon ko lang na post.

I’ve not written a long entry for quite some time, so brace yourself. I have a feeling this’ll take time.

The past few days have been hell, and I expect the following days to be hell too.

Recently I’ve hooked up with friendster, all because of… well, it’s no longer important. Seeing all those familiar faces online was quite an experience. There were some faces that made me smile, ay, buhay pa pala yun! but there were some who made me.. well, not smile. I have to write some testimonials, but I think I can only do that after the hell days… meaning, second week of December or so.

I’m having trouble with revising Elizabeth… I have so many plans but no idea on how to write it out in a story. The thing is, I really hate that story. I passed it just to get to the workshop. In fact, my editor did not have an idea on what it was about, she just asked me to submit on the due date. It was a big mistake, and now I have to face the consequences.

We started filming for the FILIPI1 project last Monday… I’m tired. That’s it. I’m very tired. I still have a comsci project to finish and an ENGLSCI paper… not to mention my calculus exam and INOCHE exam will be cover to cover, add the lab part which is really a deep hole filled with SHIT. I’m tired. Really tired.

About the comsci thing, my partner doesn’t get programming. She pressured me last week to give her the first part of the project, and after a week when I asked for it back, she apologized for not being able to add anything. I told her it was alright, that I should just do something with it ASAP, then she goes all, but my conscience won’t be able to take it! I have to do something! Okay, I may like her and all, but I can’t seem to make her understand that SHE CAN’T DO ANYTHING AND WE’LL FAIL UNLESS SHE GIVES IT TO ME!!! Cut the crap, I have it now, but I’m still annoyed.

By the way, this morning I wore closed leather shoes for the first time since high school graduation. Let’s just say that after a long day in school wearing the wrong heels and the wrong style, I vow never to wear shoes like that ever again. As pooh bear put it, they’re “mini torture chambers.” Ouch ouch ouch ouch OUCH FRIGGIN OUCH!!!

I found the perfect way to end the school day… I went with the Malate people to Starbucks for coffee and close reading. I think the coffee of the day was too strong for me, because it’s eleven and considering the tiring day I’ve just had, I CAN’T CLOSE MY EYES. And even if I do convince my body to lie still and my eyes to close and try to sleep, my brain will keep bugging me… thanks for taking away my sleep, bugie! ANSWER THIS: why is man’s fear and desire mirrored by modern music and a muted echo? If you can answer that, call me RIGHT NOW and make sure you convince me so I can stop thinking about it, okay?

My decision to leave YFC was strengthened this afternoon. I thought back on how I started, why I was inactive for some years, and why I came back… the thing of it is, YFC doesn’t make me happy. I can’t identify with the members, and I did try to be one of them. I just can’t. I think they’ve been faking me as much as I’ve been faking myself with them. I can’t stand most of them as much as I know they can’t stand me. I’m from here, they’re from there. Too far away. far away. far. Zoom. Can’t see where they’re coming from. I’d just have to get through with this camp and then I’m out… never should have stayed in the first place.

Just last week I was trying to evaluate the decisions I’ve made… one of them was obviously YFC, but what I though of most was my course, my choice of lifestyle. I wondered if I was really better of at DLSU than UP, then I remembered high school. I’m glad I went to dlsu. I’m still bracing myself for the math courses, physics courses, chemistry, bio, etc… and I’m scared, but I’m more tired than scared. Hah. Weakness.

I watched the season finale of satc, and I think BURGER is gorgeous. Hmm. Mmmm. Mine. Mmmmine. Damn it, he is!!! Okay, I’m claiming him for myself.

Okay… it’s now 3 am… and I’m still up… damn, that brew was strong!

2003-11-24T12:24:00.000+08:00

due to previous requests,

may friendster na ako!!! add me!!!

2003-11-17T12:40:00.000+08:00

this past weekend was one of the finest i've had, and last night, ending it was one of the most painful things i've had to go through.

charing!

ayoko maging pormal.

damn, vicente garcia groyon iii (of dlsu) and larry ypil (of admu) are sooo.... damn gorgeous. when they speak, it's like the world keeps still... or at least in slow motion... damn. so intelligent. so, hot!!!

i enjoyed bonding with malate pips (yihee!!!, the bangags, the drunk ones, our parents who were able to add another sibling on the second night, who is actually our other sibling's real parent, who made her through sariling sikap... ha. only the fellows will be able to get that. (yihee! special mention!) then of course, the GOS stories, the freezing water of the pool, and our fear of a certain PAIR. charing.

of course, CHARING, CHAKA, etc., will never be forgotten. congratulations, we're all GAY.

after the workshop, i've discovered a certain attraction to smoking. parang lahat na kasi natutuwa doon, and i found myself intriqued. pooh bear even left me his pack of lights.

by the way, pooh bear's brother is my blockmate pala... haha.

the helga story was massacred, but i loved it. ha. (helga, i'll post it in freaked banana, just for you.)

i'll tell you more later. smile.

2003-11-08T18:51:00.000+08:00

i am having trouble coping with life.

what the hell, might as well tell you.

i am desperate for a four in calculus and inoche. i am also desperate for a dignified grade of at least 3.0 in ENGLSCI. fuck it, i failed the first quiz in englsci. wow. congratulations you dumb bitch, your first failed quiz. clap. dance around. kill yourself.

i passed my story for the workshop, damn, it sucks. even if i wrote it while reading a guide book on how to write fiction, it still turned out to be UGLY. there's no climax... or at least i don't feel any climatic sensations. hahahahahaha... i guess my flow of emotions have been monotonic, and the kosmos would have to apply the balancing part... HUMILIATION. i need to get hurt. cry. feel terrible about myself again. ha.

................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................but hasn't that been happening the past few weeks already?

.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

way to go, kosmos.

2003-11-03T11:41:00.000+08:00

i was not cut out for this kind of thing.

no violent reactions, please. right now i have this feeling that i should just stop writing.

it's not because i felt really down after the boss bluntly told us how bad we were in writing, but i realized that i really was bad at it. i haven't improved at all since highschool, and to think i have the urge to delete all my highschool stories and burn all copies i printed, including the ones i gave dearest. maybe i just have to face it, this is as far as i can go. i can't do fiction, what i can and must do is just write in a cheesy brown-leafed diary with pink and purple ink.

i tried writing again, and it resulted in crap. waste of disk memory. waste of electricity. putang ina. hindi ko na kaya 'to.

not to mention i feel that i offended somebody who complained last week about something i wasn't able to do... i knew she wrote out of anger, and i answered her out of anger too. i got pissed, what can i say. last week was hell. fuck last week away from my memory, and i'd be a happy girl right now.

i know i am offending women all over the world, but be aware that it's not for you, or even directed to you. it just feels so damn good to say it.

putang ina.

2003-10-27T11:42:00.000+08:00

i believe that some things are better left unsaid.

2003-10-26T23:04:00.000+08:00

the bonding with m6 was great... i feel great....

just got off the phone with helga, and started with my new story... helga!!! hehehe...

my brother is watching grease... (summer loving!!!)

= )

2003-10-24T16:07:00.000+08:00

Maybe you soon
Forget about all
Or maybe you'll miss it like I do
But one thing's for sure
I'm all knocked out
I spend too much time thinking of you

And I can't get you out of my dreams
Now I know you're the dangerous kind
And your smile is tattooed on my mind
'Cause I can't get you out of my dreams

I don't wanna write
I don't wanna call
I would not know what to say
It should be you
That's how I want it to be
Tell me you feel the same way

And I can't get you out of my dreams
Now I know you're the dangerous kind
And your smile is tattooed on my mind
And I can't get you out of my dreams, oh

Oh yesterday
I was feeling safe
All I do today
is trying to be brave
And no melody can seem to soothe my mind
Now I curse you for being
So sweet and so kind

And I can't get you out of my dreams
Now I know you're the dangerous kind
And your face is tattooed on my mind
'Cause I can't get you out of my dreams

Yes I know you're tattooed
On my mind you're tattooed

2003-10-24T16:00:00.000+08:00

okay...

i've set up my pitas account, but i'm gonna wait till helga touches it, okie???

i'm going to dearest's for tonight... overnight bonding with m6.... i wanna drink!!!

wait for me...

2003-10-23T19:15:00.000+08:00

okay, i'm quite back to normal now. looks like i'm moving out of blogger....

that's how much i love you, helgs.... = )

i'll update you in a while.

2003-10-23T19:13:00.000+08:00

fine. you win.

it started this morning when you filled me with thoughts about him. no, it started yesterday afternoon when i saw him near the mtv stage. i purposedly avoided him, and you left me with nobody to be with for the damn thing. when i went there, you left me imagining how things would be if he were my companion, and not my companion.

you really know how to hit right on the boobs, huh? it hurts, damn it. it's awfully annoying!

you had to make me walk through the second floor of that building and remind me of the thing that binded me with him. and if that wasn't bad enough, you had to make him appear in front of us a few seconds later. urgghh!!! you even made him walk with us! i had to have an actual conversation with him! how could you? how could you? how could you!

i am in so much agony..........

but at least it's not sadness.

and i can't get you out of my dreams....

did i not ask you to spare me? huh? didn't i? didn't i? didn't i?????

AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2003-10-21T17:33:00.000+08:00

USO ANG LOVE LIFE DRAMA NGAYON.

i beg the stars in the sky who watch over me and the moon who governs my emotions, SPARE ME!!!

last night i nearly drove helga insane with my love life issues. (note: they are not love life issues. one mustr have a love life to actually have issues, so this is just bullshit drama for me.) after talking to helga i had a quick hello with dearest and samantha.... it was another one of those sex and the city conversations, as samantha puts it.

samantha actually agreed to pick me up from here for mitch's debut next wedensay... had to bribe her with food, though. we're still arguing whether it's pasta or super chocolate brownies... to be perfectly honest, i'd rather make her brownies... after high school life of cooking pasta for the people i loved and hate, i have gron tired of cooking pasta. i want to bake!!! let me bake!!!!

damn it, i didn't go to malate today... for some reason i really wanted to face my pc and write, but when i got home, i immersed myself on telenovelas.

like i said, o powers that govern the goddess of eternal wrath, SPARE ME!!!

2003-10-20T11:45:00.000+08:00

this is me today.

sex and the city is back, my heart is filled with rejoicing and i am bursting with so much tears of joy.

yfc life has been hell because of the camp thing, and several issues with the people involved. all i can say is this : bahala na.

after several months of untouched eyebrows, yesterday after lunch i had the done again. everybody noticed it, unlike then...

who the fuck cares.

i haven't had a drop of vodka for a while now, and i think the insanity is starting to kick in.

i have a long exam on calculus today, in an hour actually. i just came across and exchanged a few nice words with this person who's been in my dreams and day dreams for quite some time (which still puzzles me, since i don't think i have a crush on the guy, but he's tattooed on my mind). because of that long exam i'm about to take and the yfc issues which were semi-resolved as of last night, i still have a five page essay to start on (which is due today) and a new story to write (which is due on friday).

my sources of joy, other than my beloved sex and the city, are 1. dunkin donuts' choco wacko, 2. my beloved george clooney (in ocean's 11), 3. the full monty, 4. films on cinemaone which i used to label as disgusting porn but now see as artsy films with significant hidden messages, and 5. the buttermelt or chocolate soft ice cream in either the belgian cone or sugar cone, topped with multi-colored rice crispies.

otherwise i get into a rage and start cursing.

this is me today.

poipee, i know you can do it, try harder na lang. luv ya!!!

2003-10-13T11:42:00.000+08:00

comsci2 practicalexam today....

the bell just rang, and the teacher is not yet here.

please, let's just get this over with.....

last night i went to intramuros with my family. my first time there, actually. fuck, the place was so damn romatic, and i was there escorted by my little brother who is still taller than me despite my two inch heels!!!!!!!!!!

i really want to go back there... pero sana with ---- ----- --- --- na, or even -- -- ---- --.......

bakit ba kasi nung panahon na andito si *** at *** wala pa ang intramuros.

fuck.

2003-10-06T11:45:00.000+08:00

this morning was very creepy....

my genpsyc prof made us do this self-psychoanalysis paper... we were supposed to reach deep within our unconscious, blah blah, blah blah... i wrote my paper thursday night, the night before the submission. i also made sure i was really sleepy when i started doing it.... to make the long story short, i ended up writing stuff i can barely recall now.

anyway, for the first time in two weeks, i wasn't late for genpsyc. to welcome this occassion, my beloved prof commended me in front of the class about my paper. apparently i really got his senses, etc, etc.. FUCK!!! at least he didn't disclose anything about my paper, except the sense touching eklat he mentioned.

now, it's comsci 2 time......... sheht.

2003-09-26T17:00:00.000+08:00

yot... talaga? ngwek.... kung ikaw nga hindi mo pa nabasa e... sabi lang sakin ni soyster, "reminds me of zafra."

helga.... yup.

yue guang nui hai bu xi huan yang guang nan hai.

hindi ko na crush ang latest crush ko. i find myself no longer attracted to him. ha.

yes, i know... like changing underwear.... fine... but what can i do? i am no longer attracted to him. that's it. kawawa naman ang mga taong hindi nahulaan kung sino siya, tapos ngayon wala na....

but don't get any ideas... i'm still not telling.

wo men xia chi zai jian.

2003-09-22T11:44:00.000+08:00

wala nanaman akong magawa.

2003-09-21T19:05:00.000+08:00

yue guang nui hai xi huan yang guang nan hai

wan an!!!

pen tan!!!

this morning i went back to where i first came alive.... corny.

i went to xientia for my brother's report card distribution. when we got there, i looked for his girl and found her... not exactly as she was described. then, i rushed to SM to buy jeremy matthew soo a birthday gift... never actually seen the kid, but what the hell, he's a one year old chinese baby whose first birthday party (a children's party, at that) is going to be held at a chinese restaurant. shouldn't be too hard to choose a gift...

i was wrong. as i strolled around sm north edsa, recalling the days when getting inside meant either lying to the guards or sneakiing in through the carpark entrances (or just bringing extra clothes to school), i felt... tired. really, really, tired.

back at qsci i decided to pay a visit to the ladies room. damn, it was worse that i remember. dirty floor, cubicles that smelt of dried urine and sampaguita scented cleanser, cubicle doors that had no locks, not to mention one without a door... i'm glad i don't have to put up with those things anymore.

when we decided to leave, luck decided to throw its back on us by giving us a flat tire. i discoveres it when my entire family was waiting for me to enter the vehicle. to make the story short, we waited ten minutes for my dad to put on the spare tire, only to find that it's also flat, after months of storage behind under the pile of junk inside the trunk. so there, another twenty minutes or so waiting for the tires from the vulcanizing, and finally we were off to greenbelt. as i have told my relatives when we got to jade garden, "we flew."

tze shi wu hao hao chi

menu
appetizer platter containing soy chicken, sweet and sour pork, century egg and some seaweed
steamed shrimp
scallop and fishlip soup
peppered corn crab
fish of some sort
fried rice with chinese sausage
peking duck
minced duck with lettuce
desert of chinese petit fours and mango shake with sago

when we got there, tito jimmy welcomed us. my brother whispered to my ear, "there are clowns and stuff, obviously a childrens party... so why the hell did they pick this place?!?" it's understandable. tito jimmy and tita janet sat in our table and told us why they picked the restaurant for their long awaited, only son's first birthday. "I wanted a chinese restaurant, and this place has the best parking." their wedding reception two years ago was held in the same restaurant.

yue guang nui hai xi huan yang guang nan hai

i'm here at home, sleepy....

and i still have to do something for englsci. i have to admit, i'm beginning to despise the subject. not the teacher, just the subject, although she does have this way of making me feel how doomed i am in her subject by raising her eyebrows and tilting her head up right, her eyes looking down on us, through her gold-framed glasses.

urrrghh.....

tui pu qing...

jaguar died. did you hear about that? i suddenly feel like writing a story about him... i feel really.... bad.... not in a sorry way.... maybe in between sadness, disbelief and being sorry.... i live in a 3d world, live with it.

2003-09-20T16:46:00.000+08:00

damn, i have a lot of assignments....

genpsyc::: need to read about the brain.
filipi1::: isang sanaysay ukol sa napakinggang lektur (don't look at me.... ganun daw e....)
comsci2::: an employee is paid php 50.00 per hour for the first 40 hours of service. if he works more than 40 hoyrs he gets php 30.00 each extra hour. input the number of hours an employee worked during the week and output should be the salary.
math113::: derive the equation for hyperbolas.
englsci::: give three possible research topics. research and react on an actual case of unethical research.

anyone care to volunteer to do my assignments???

and i didn't even get to see yang guang nan hai today.... grr....

grrr.

2003-09-17T20:31:00.000+08:00

t o i n k e r s ! ! !

i wonder who my crush is... hahaha... yottie, the one you'll read about in the earlier entries is no longer my crush.... i think you'll all go crazy before even coming close...

i think i'll be playing badminton on saturday... must i bring my own racket?

it's your smile, your face your lips that i miss...
those sweet little eyes that stare at me and make me say,
"i'm with you through all the way,"
'cause it's you who fills the emptiness in me...
it changes everything i see,
when i know i've got you with me...

i really want to go to the dance tomorrow night at xienxia... my legs are shaking, in need of loud music and sweaty bodies hidden within the smoke and darkness, jumping, moving, going along with the music and lights... DISCO!!!

too bad i have classes early the next day.... crap.

early this evening my brother asked me to go to the concert... apparently his group (whatever they call themselves...) is performing...

don't get me wrong, i don't miss high school... i just miss the disco part...

by the way, someone commented that i write like zafra... hahaha... disclaimer: i never intended to do so, in fact i thought i was writing like groyon.

2003-09-15T11:49:00.000+08:00

hey people....

hey poipee........... i hope you're doing great... mahal mo naman course mo diba? pakasaya, dear...

i'm here at the comlab... bwahahahaha.... waiting for my teacher...

happy news!!!!!!!!!!

I FINALLY HAVE A COPY OF Sky Over Dimas!!!!!!!!!

after weeks of deperate searching, i have found it... i am so happy....

shit, nasira na happiness ko. grrr. it's elba's fault.

so much for a good day.

2003-09-13T17:52:00.000+08:00

fuck. blogger won't let me see my blog....

2003-09-13T17:47:00.000+08:00

ewww.... and i hate nemo... such an annoying character....
anyway, got this from faery in pain.... hahaha...

What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-09-13T17:29:00.000+08:00

i went to a meeting today... i thought it was just another meeting, but it turns out it was an activity...

went to break water... haha... during the first fifteen minute activity i lost track of the time and got the group wondering where the hell i was... hahaha...

perhaps the best part of the day was when i had lunch with two respected prosers... one in fact was the reason why i joined malate...

2003-09-12T17:21:00.000+08:00

i just went over the two messages from the previous blog... i could almost see the pinky finger being raised... shivers...

ha! what a freaky day!!!

i woke up at 530, ate breakfast, took a bath, and faced my third problem of the day: what to friggin wear. for some reason, i came across a dress i haven't worn for... ages. i really don't know what came over me, but i just took it out and wore it... it felt safe since it was raining hard and i could use my jacket over it... so i wore the dress...

at the lrt station i was still doing fine... it was raining very hard, from abad santos to dlsu... hahaha... it was still raining when i went out for a cup of coffee... then, after my first two classes... AAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! it was such a sunny day!!! the friggin sun was shining and grinning at me!!!! and the worse part is, i couldn't remove my jacket, even if i wanted to!!!!!!

HHHHEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!

good thing someone/thing cheered me up... hahahahaha........

i feel so guilty.... i haven't had time for my friends since finals week... kailangang bumawi!!!

last night dearest called me up to tell me (great? shocking? sick?) news... i felt so bad because i wasn't even there to hear the exact details from her, because i had a story to finish... tui pu qing, dearest... i'll make it up to you, i promise... grrr... sorry again, i won't be able to go to makati with you, i have a pile of stuff to do... tui pu qing, tui pu qing, tui pu qing......

helga, i'll call you as soon as i finish these things....

ha.........................

i miss wo xi huan de.... i really want to see him again.... but when? where? how?

grrr...

freaky day.

2003-09-09T09:47:00.000+08:00

just got back from my MOS...

there are some things that i realized and things i rediscovered... the bottomline is that i enjoyed my freaky ass off.

imagine how i felt when i was blindfolded and asked to crawl around an entire field feeling the grass and the stupid thorns for a friggin cardboard number.

imagine how i felt when i followed a whispering voice (which i actually trusted, kilala ko kasi yung guy) blindfolded still (obvious ba na maraming bilndfolded scenes?) across a hilly area and eventually open my eyes to an old, stony chapel which could have been featured in scariest places on earth... i was waiting for linda blair and the guy with the really funny accent.

imagine how i felt when i was asked to crawl up a hill (blindfolded pa rin) and kneel on the damn ground... at least i knew there were people with me... then we were asked to scream out our promise to god (note: not the religious/spiritual one).... ha... i'm caught again.... and i like it.... i think.

don't you just love watching drunken/bangag people? helga, i now understand how you must have felt observing crazy me that night... ha! the people i observed were worse!!! ten times, no, a hundred times, more hilarious!

one thing i really hate remembering though is when the two guys i bonded with during the friggin spin-the-bottle-and-tell-me-who-you-wanna-have-sex-with-game kept insisting i was chinese............. you look chinese..................aren't you at least part chinese?...................... so who do you wanna have sex with again?..........................if not him, then who?.....................................come on, tell me!..........................i'm drunk! i promise you i'm drunk! i won't remember who the guy is anyway!..........................hey, no fair! i didn't get to hear who you wanna have sex with!

i find myself attraced to someone despite a barrier that we both know exists... no, the attraction is not at all romatic or physical or anything that causes drunk/bangag people to howl at the moon... it's... different.

i enjoyed the weekend, and i pity those who did not.

2003-09-04T01:42:00.000+08:00

The one thing people fear the most in life is letting ourselves go and feel our environment, not knowing what will happen or what to see. I had an activity in class today that made me realize something significant. First, we were paired, one male, one female. However, due to the nature of our class (CREATIVE WRITING), the males were outnumbered. I was paired with a female not much different from myself, and she offered to be the male. Our first task was ironically hard, considering it was such an easy thing to do.

The females were asked to close their eyes and the males were asked to feel the contour of the female’s face. I knew it was supposed to be a serious activity but I couldn’t help but laugh… I’m sure this activity was intended to be done by a male-female pair, because I believe the point of the activity was to feel all sorts of strange feelings that usually exists between a boy and a girl. I was laughing because my “male” partner was a girl and I couldn’t imagine a real boy so I wasn’t able to feel the things I was supposed to feel. Instead, the only thing I felt was the frightening feeling that some foreign thing was about to touch my face. It was like the feeling I got when I got my first kiss on the cheek. I was so scared at first )for the first 0.01 seconds) then I felt disgusted (since it was… well… disgusting) and lastly, I felt in the end that it was no big deal.

The second task we were asked to do was more emotional for me (by that I mean I felt more emotions). The females were asked to open their eyes and the males were asked to close theirs. Then the males were asked to feel the females’ faces again. This time it felt not only strange and scary but also awkward. I could see the hand approaching my face! I remember having these feelings on prom day. As part of the preparations my eyebrows were shap(v)ed. I saw the blade approaching my face and I was asked to close my eyes. I was really scared, what if the blade would hurt my eyes? But after the first touch, it was over. It didn’t feel weird anymore.

The third task and the fourth task was the same as the first and second, except the genders switched parts. It was okay, I guess, but the same feelings were there—all three feelings I have mentioned. After this we were asked to do the unthinkable: sit on each other’s lap. For me and my partner along with the other same gender pairs, this was easy. A bit awkward, but hilarious. For the other “regular” pairs, I think it was really awkward and really hard. I don’t think any “regular” pair performed this task… I believe two pairs exchanged partners to they would be a same gender pair.

After the activity I was trying to relate it to real life (I always do to everything) and I realized—we should never be afraid to extend our boundaries. In our activity, we extended our boundaries. Instead of tuoching only my face, I touched someone else’s, ans someone else touched mine. Whether aware or unaware of what we might encounter, we must go ahead and ignore our fears. Like they say, the first step is always the most difficult.

2003-08-28T17:44:00.000+08:00

i just finished baking choco fudge brownies.

be jealous, chocolate lovers!!!

i am so happy because i just finished all my final exams... aren't you? i only had three exams... plus one oral presentation...

tuesday morning i was late for my first exam, for i think 15 to 20 minutes.... the proctor's face as i showed up still gives me the creeps. there were still some who came later than me though... ha ha.

i spent the three hours in between the two exams having lunch with two members of the chinese society and sitting inside the malate office, aka heaven. after the second exam, i accompanied the two members of the chinese society to the library, then we had two cones each of mr softy ice cream... rice crispies... chocolate ice cream...

the next day, ooh, stupid, that's today! anyway, today... hahaha.... i had only one exam and the damn presentation... let's just say i walked a lot on three inch heels, and didn't have ice cream, but i got a perfect score on the damn comsci project...

to reward myself, i baked brownies, and i intend to consume the damn brownies after this blog.

bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2003-08-15T11:21:00.000+08:00

urgh, fuck you.

i have been so damn nice to you and all you give back to me is this crap. thanks for the crap anyway, i'll be sure to use it when an oppurtunity comes up.

whooh. happiness... happiness...

last tuesday i was so sick that i couldn't even drink a glass of water without throwing up. then at around 2230, and entire longanisa chewed to bits along with a small portion of catsup-stained egg (also chewed to bits) came out of my mouth and my nose with several cups of water.

i am so happy because i finished two of our jp papers in one night, and afterwards i still got to read my new zafra... then as soon as i laid my head on my ever so fluffy pillow my head began to ache as if a little gremlin was struggling to crack out of it.

wednesday morning i tried to eat something decent... tried. i left the house at 1230 and arrived at csb at 1... i got to see the entire concert. mind you that i was all alone (something that doesn't seem to surprise me, this being a pop-orchestra concert), and their choice of music was... painful. sharp. hurtful. blunt. ouch. you could just kill me now. they were so good that they reminded me of every single good thing that i've seen, or felt, and they made me remember how fucking these days have been.

good thing i met two starving artists, one poet and another proser like me. they were offered incentives by their algebra teacher, how pathetic. i was stupid enough to think that they'd be interested in the music like me.

then Whitey started to sing and dance on stage... i was blinded by his flawless white skin and shiny white clothes. think morgan freeman in bruce almighty, just paint his skin with white textile paint and double his size... there you go... now imagine him dancing.... imagine the look on my face.

i went to heaven again to sign up for the MOS. i don't think god was there... was he? i really don't remember. wo xi huan de ti er ge was there, though... making fun of someone.... he was cute... and cute.

yesterday i attended my favorite class with our two final papers at hand. wo xi huan de ti yi ge, more popularly known as wo xi huan de, wasthere, and i showed him our final paper. he said it was good. how nice. three people read the paper and they all said it was good. good. then he started a conversation with me, one i never expected, even in my wierdest dreams.

i just finished reading the el fili comics.
it was good.
i didn't know simoun was actually ibarra, when we were discussing it in class i thought he was an entirely different character.
when i saw that chapter, i was like, "oh, so he's ibarra??? cool."
so what ever happened to maria clara?
she was raped? really? oh yeah, by damaso, right?
no? damaso was his father? ewww.
so who raped her? salvi? but wasn't he the nice one? wasn't he the one who apologized to ibarra when ibarra got so mad about his father and all?
oh well.
we didn't do much in this class...
i really like this teacher... what's his name again?
so this is how frosh feels like. i've forgotten what it feels like to be frosh.

then it hit me -- the class' last meeting will be on tuesday... it's like, te end... no more him... no more ciggy-smelling cute guy labeled by a braindead classmate as eric fructoso. no more wo xi huan de ti yi ge.

then i went back up to heaven (five friggin floors up on staircase using three inch heels -- mind you, not even platform!) and god was there, along with his archangels... the archangel asked me about the three-day thing, then god asked me if i were excited, and he reassured me that i'd be very happy there.... aaahhh... god is so cute....

back to my ranting on you...
fuck you really!!!
grrrrrrrrrr..........................................................................................................................

haaaah.

2003-08-11T19:13:00.000+08:00

i am so happy.

despite the fact that i have an entire paper to finish for tomorrow, i am happy.

despite the fact that the ever so stupid sons-of-rich-creatures-who-think-they-can boss-every-single-living-creature-with-cash grandstood earlier with pointless, brainless arguments. i forgive them for trying hard to win, but i smite them for hitting people who actually make sense on the personal basis. fuck them, but i am happy.

despite the fact that i hate the bag i'm using but can't do anything about it because my favorite bag was ruthlessly slashed by a son of a bitch who could have slashed the stuff of those sons-of-rich-creatures-who-think-they-can boss-every-single-living-creature-with-cash or their respective chicks, and despite the fact that i really really want to get a knife and find that fucking asshole and chop off his penis millimeter by millimeter along with his testicles and have the chopped flesh stuffed on his mouth, i am happy.

i am very happy.

why?

because when i went up to heaven this afternoon, god said hi to me, no, acknowledged my presence.

then later this afternoon, while i was walking by the chapel, as i did the sign of the cross, god said hi to me again while he was walking past me...

hehehe...

2003-08-11T11:29:00.000+08:00

hey.... got a few from other people's blogs...

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fourth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

allow me to continue...

a lot of people i didn't expect to remember to greet me indeed greeted me.

one, who hasn't greeted me for three years, still didn't...............
and fuck it, it still hurts.

2003-08-11T10:44:00.000+08:00

congratulate me, i have just experienced my first slash attack.

slash attack::: an act of theft that involves the use of a cutter, a small knife, or any kind of blade that can rip bags and the like in order to steal another person's personal things, may they be valuable or not.

the asshole who attacked me was quite unfortunate though, for he was not able to get anything worth money from me, except maybe one of my blue pens (i couldn't find it when i was fixing my bag this morning).

what pisses me off is that (sorry, i can't stop the tears...) my favorite bag........... yes, my friends, the purple esprit bag i got five or six years ago, maybe more................ the most comfortable bag ever......................... no bag could ever compare to it............. the comfort, the everything..................................... damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

happy birthday to me.

2003-08-01T11:21:00.000+08:00

i am pleased with the way things are going.

allow me to speak of a guy we shall refer to as wo xi huan de [ pronoinced as woh-see-hoo-aan-duh ].

he's an upperclassman taking up some liacom course... he's a seatmate... he's cute... he smokes... i think he has a girlfriend, but who the hell cares... he's one of those 'just-for-the-classroom' crushes.

anyway, wo xi huan de usually comes in late in class, and as soon as he drops his sports bag and takes out one very big notebook and a pathetic pen (last timeit was the ink holder of a panda pen), he binds himself to the corner post near our seats. last tuesday, though, he came in early... as in more than ten minutes prior to our start time. he sat beside me, and didn't bind himself to the post, and his first word was "dands". i have never heard my name sound so sweetly. (don't get me wrong, he's not the first one to call me that.)

he started a conversation with me about our group paper (he's in my group, i forced it to be so... heheheh... tactics...), which led to a lot of maligalig comments from him. he was really talkative, and i was just too...... shocked to react. he asked me what we were going to take up for that day, and he said he left his comic book version of elfili... he ended up leaning on me to read my english version. every so often i could hear him say, hey, why don't you recite? ....... oh, cool! forgive me if i sound mababaw, but we had some laughs and i swear..... he did this thing with his eyes, the garfield look i love so much, as in the one i usually do... and we just laughed.

yesterday,he came in late, but he didn't bind himself to the wall again. what he did was he handed me his share of the paper (i was not at all impressed with his work -- more of pissed, but oh well. i didn't get him for his brain) and showed me his comic book of elfili. we had a few laughs again, the he kept the filthy thing and leaned on me again for the book.

i haven't gone to the bar & resto where he hangs out for quite a while... i guess, he's just not that sort of crush... but i'm happy, i swear i am...

about the other guy, wo xi huan de ti er ge [woh-see-hoo-aan-duh-tee-uhr-guh], i've not seen him in a while... frankly, i don't really give a damn about the guy anymore...

somebody in my class, let's name him ah chou, sent me a long text message yesterday:

....
sorry kung medyo naiirita ka sakin minsan...
kasi i feel sometimes na ang lalim ng iniisip mo so wala lang,
ginugulo kita...
para marelax ka...
tsaka i respect your opinions so much kaya minsan i try to argue with you,
baka sakaling magulo ka...
kasi you're so serious all the time...
kaya sana you won't take me out of context...
i'm not trying to make you feel bad or something,
i'm just trying to play around with you...
so yun, thanks and sorry.
ingat!

am i that bitchy? if you're reading this, then you probably know me... was i ever that bitchy to you? text me.
0922 86 32634

2003-07-27T06:59:00.000+08:00

i miss you too.

(that one's for that very special person who told me he misses me last night)

anyway, hello!!!

it's sunday, and i'll be going to church in a while.

can you see the big smile plastered on my face???

i just finished reading a bunch of short stories by filipino authors. one of them, vicente groyon III, was a referred author by my editor. he's also a teacher in dlsu, in some computer-related communication arts subject, i think. when i looked him up at the library, the first search result was a MACROCOMPUTERS book which he wrote... amazing... anyway, his short story absent is quite hard to understand.

the other short tories though were very.... intersteing. i was able to understand ost of them... i like the short story clea, sort of a reverse of creation.

i have several new ideas for my next short stories, but i'd have to find time to write them first.

haaah.... the life of a malatean....

2003-07-11T11:38:00.000+08:00

BONJOUR....

i got a lot to tell you, but i am short of time due to a really long activity here in comsci.
damn it.

2003-07-04T10:45:00.000+08:00

forgiveness from all of my friends...

I MADE IT TO MALATE

anyway... i finally admitted to myself and to sancai (and helga of course) who my new crush is...

but then again, what exactly is new???

i've been eyeing him since... since.

oh well... he's been texting me lately, and i've been texting back, despite the fact that i am saving up my load... haaaay.... he's cute.
compared to.... moving on....

dearest i'll tell you about him next time.

smile smile smile...

2003-07-02T12:12:00.000+08:00

i am here at cybernook, doing the homework i forgot to do last night....

IS THIS EVEN ME?!?!?!?!?!

gotta do something.

2003-06-30T11:04:00.000+08:00

ni hao ma.

where should i start?

first, if i had the power, i would delete my first few entries since i started college. i refuse to admit that at one point in time i was in some sort of thing on a guy i used to call this guy and nother who came to be known as yet another guy. in local showbiz terms, erase, erase, erase!!!

recently, last sunday, to be exact, i accepted a new responsibility in yfc. i agreed to be j's partner... long ago, when my outlook on yfc was much different, i used to wish that i would be mede this person's partner... if i had been offered this position then, i would not have agreed if TP was not my partner... but things change... and i am now wholeheartedly convinced that i got myself a great partner. i guess it was all a matter of perspective....... smile.

oh damn, i forgot to tell you yet another dillemma.

sancai no longer wishes to dine with our constant lunch companions... i sympathize with her when she says that pohweht is really annoying, but how can i possibly explain to her that i enjoy their company? i enjoy plato's company... i intend to make him one hell of a noisy guy... how to tell sancai???? how????

by the way, a funny story thingie... ima (the last guy in the constant lunch company) was teasing sancai last week about chinese people being kidnapped, etc... it came to be a new definition of being chinese. sancai, who is pure chinese, has a 100 % probability of being kidnapped. i, who have 1/8 chinese blood, have a 1/8 probability to be kidnapped... etc.

it just happened so that i was teasing sancai (on our way home) that i should keep myself away from her because i might get kidnapped. then this morning, just before i left home, my dad sent me a message... apparently someone was mistakenly kidnapped in front of dlsu last sat evening... he called my mom too, so as i was shutting the door, they reminded me to stay away from the chinese people when outside dlsu. wahahaha. they were so alarmed when i told them that sancai & atsi are my usual companions on my way home... wahahaha... and i have lunch/snacks with the chinese society...

when i get killed by the kidnappers, i would like you to bring cute garfield stuff and mandy (of grim & evil) stuff to my wake, and i wish to be burried with them, also with my zafra collection. my barbies will be burned and their melted bodies shall be used to make depository tags for dlsu library.

2003-06-20T11:17:00.000+08:00

hi hao ma.

it's been ages... a lot of things changed...

i am still quite afraid that my blockmates would discover this blog, and so.... bahala na. i might open a new account that will not be easily detected by those i do not wish to reveal it to.

i will tell you a lot of things today.... i am here at the comsci lab, to my right is sancai, and to my left is queenie. dj is quite far from me, but i have a pretty good view of him. sancai just told me a while ago that she no longer wished to have lunch with dj and the others... she claims that she is out of place.

dillemma
it's not that i do not wish to be separated from the 3 guys... it's just that having lunch with them has become an expected thing.... you know? and sancai claims that she is out of place with them... but i am also out of place with her chinese friends... i understand she has trouble with speaking in english, but when i'm with her friends i have trouble understanding their language... am i making any sense? of course i am.

another dillema. tonight, there's a party being held by the physics department... of course being part of the department, i am invited... so is he. we already agrred to go there, but then... okay... how the hell am i supposed to open the damn subject up??? i am suffering from the evil effects of swarovski bracelets (one red, one green) and another multi colored crystal bracelet, and not to mention yucky cherry flavored lip gloss. all thanks to fatass who refused to let me out of the house without them, knowing that tonight there'll be a party.

i wish to God that someone could answer me right now... i'm awfully... awful. apparently, if we do go to the party tonight, it'll be just the two of us from the frosh department... CRAPPPP!!!!!

miracle, please happen....

NOW!!!!!!!

2003-06-20T10:44:00.000+08:00

ni hao ma blogger friends?

just a few things...

1. this guy otherwise known to us as tg, shall now be known as dj
explanathion: sancai suggested to me that we should use a codename for ******, and so i told her that i already use tg. she found it hard to pronounce (note that sancai is a native chinese), and so demanded that g be changed to j, so then we'd have tj. a few minutes later she told me it would me much easier for her if ****** would be called dj instead of tj which was still hard to pronounce for her. i laughed. if you have no idea why i laughed kawawa ka naman.

2. i am annoyed. pissed off. infuriated. angered. this is pure shit.
i am having trouble with myself. it seems that i have more time to flirt with yag than dj. really sucks. found out he has a girl already. not that i'm affected or anything.... he's not dj!!!

i'm in comsci class, hercules (his real name) is asking for help. why couldn't he be ____________________________.

i'm through with the activity, quite a simple one. i explored what i needed to explore... i forgot to bring my beloved pain reliever.

2003-06-04T07:39:00.000+08:00

5:08 PM 6/3/03

ang sayasaya ko!!!

first subject palang, masaya na ko!!!

during jpr, where i am seated right in front of this guy (tg), the prof asked him to read the first paragraph he wished to emphasize in the essay. then, part of the essay were two short poems, which the prof asked me to read as in right after him!!! wahahahaha!!! as sancai says, it's just plain fate...

during math 111, sancai pointed out to me that he was supposed to be seated behind me again... i forgot that, and besides, some freak sat herself there anyway.

during englone, he was not at all around because the block was divided in 2, bs phy and med phy. anyway, during englone i confirmed to myself that i really do like yet another guy (yag). he's very similar to a member of a recently recognized group in the philippines from a neighboring country now seriously being infected by sars. thursday last week pa to actually, pero kanina ko lang inamin sa sarili ko.

there's something about him.... the way he speaks and all.... quite opposite of tg. anyway, it's just the way he says my name or the way he compliments me... nakakainis. kinikilig ako. i am quite sure he will end up as a heart break, though, so pang kilig purposes lang siya. the flirting will be dedicated to tg.

yun muna.

2003-06-04T07:37:00.000+08:00

6:53 AM 6/3/03

ni hao!

it's been.... forever.

siye siye helga for the garfield layout!!!

let's start with school...

I. Orientation (May 22-23)

i only have a few notes... first, the new theater is as big as crossroads. in fact, it's a bit bigger. second, one of the lasallian songs they taught was that song sti used in its radio commercial. third, the reflection music was the background music for boys be. fourth, our alma mater is quite nakakapagod, but it's okay.

my block is half BS Phy and half Med Phy. my first friend was Sancai, a chinese girl who migrated here ten years ago from a chinese province. she speaks fluent tagalog, but she finds english difficult. another two people i spent time with were Globe, who was actually from the college of engineering but he missed his orientation, and Paypay, who needed fanning because i swear... during the first day, while having the tour, he was as wet as... basta, he was so damn wet!!!

notable guys... hmmm... i've actually told iceageman & the others abouth the two notable guys... one is this guy (forgiveness... i can't think of a worthy code name!) and then there's Foodfest (okay, xienxians... gets niyo???). both guys are not at all drop dead gorgeous, but i like them because of different small things. this guy i just find really cute, and foodfest... well, his eyes were different... you know??? DIFFERENT.

II. Classes

My Orient 1 teacher is great, we share the same last name. her voice is very similar to my ninong's wife's. (also similar to this dove girl who kept on saying 'really really' on the commercial)

my math 112 teacher is very funny... that's it. wait for my next entries, i'm sure one day i'll just burst out here about his rather peculiar ways.... (wait for it mondays and/or fridays)

my relsone teacher is a former seminarian who recently got married. he's great too. he really put that noisy athlete in her right spot. (in our relsone class, we have six women's basketball players around... they're too noisy and i really don't want to get myself involved with them... apparently they dropped relsone when it was originally given to them.)

my jp rizal teacher is also great. my greatest teacher so far, actually. he's very firm, and he takes the presence of the foreigner into consideration whenever he gives lectures. really great old man.

my math 111 teacher is... well... young. but she presents the lesson in a very structured way, a note-freak's dream come true.

englone... she teaches ok, so far that is... i got my first 95 from her... but she reminds me of my coach in basketball when i was in angelicum. do you see where i'm coming from?

the comsci teacher was ok, though i've only met him once. we'll be taking up visual basic this term, and our finals will be our own scientific calculator. urgh. whatever!

III. Food

an essential part of a student's life...

my food expenses' breakdown is usually lunch and snack. i spend over a hundred bucks on them.

we found the spanish style place on the second floor of the sports building. even the tables and chairs were spanish style.

IV. People

so far, alright. foodfest is completely out of the picture.

this guy, however.... aaaaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!!!!

he sent me a message once, and though it was very emotionless, i jumped out of the bed as soon as i read it and i started pacing... i was so damn kilig!!! too much for a gal like me!!! i even had to run down to buy load just to say 'hey, thanks.' to him!!! stupid, right???

sancai already knows about him. she's always pointing out that he's behind me, or he's on the exact same chair on the opposite row, or that we're both caught on books we borrowed from the library (true: but i know it was a mere coincidence!), or that he's here, there and everywhere!!!

damn it, i can't help but smile everytime he's near!

i shall end here. i need to eat breakfast.

2003-05-28T19:36:00.000+08:00

yaw ko na. stay na lang muna dito sa blogspot.. sawa na ko sa pag-ayos.. grr.. -lex

2003-05-28T08:44:00.000+08:00

hello! this isn't really red banana but in all reality me, trying to put up the new layout i made for red banana.. ^_^ i do hope it's working. i tried several times and i kept receiving some damn error.. as for this message, red can delete it when she gets here.. ^_^

2003-05-16T09:58:00.000+08:00

May 10, 2003

This day started while I was bonding with the whole service team, either telling jokes or playing the logic thing.

After I finally fell asleep and woke up, the day went on all right?

Would you believe I fell asleep during one talk? During my favorite talk, actually. Not that I was supposed to listen all the way or anything, but I don?t usually fall asleep during talks. I only recall one time when I fell asleep, but I was so damn tired.

Talking to each member of my group was okay, in fact I enjoyed it so much? especially two escollarians who were on the verge of transferring?

Gorilla and I had to leave as soon as we finished the important part, because mother made us. I felt so sad leaving them, it quite hurt. The camp turned out to be more than just another camp to me?

May 11, 2003

We woke up early for calatagan. All I remember is that I got in the car, and slept. When I woke up, we were parking the car by the beach. I had no idea that calatagan was sooooooo far away, farther than tagaytay? in fact, we had to go through tagaytay and then we had to go through a long, long way again. But it was well worth it.

The beach was great, for around fifteen to twenty feet from the shore, the water was two to three feet deep. Then, it?ll be sooo deep again, and after a long distance, there?s this thing they call ?atol?. In the middle of the deep, deep sea was this S-shaped formation of white sand. It was still submerged in water, but only a foot till three feet. It was about five to seven meters wide. Surely something only paradise can offer.

the ride back was amazingly miraculous, but i can't find the urge to write it all down. anyway, my bottomline is, it was one prayer-filled weekend.

May 16, 2003

i've been watching meteor garden lately...

i've also been getting a lot of sex and the city this week... it's marathon week... meaning, pretty soon, they'd be playing a new season!!! i hope the pregnant creatures got un-pregnant months ago and started filming so in two or three weeks i'd get my doses of sex and the city again...

had a talk with helga about banana and iceageman...

point:i'm tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here!

that's it, i guess... gotta get ready to go shopping!

2003-05-12T00:17:00.000+08:00

life is so sweet!

so.... what first?

okee...

May 9, 2003

woke up early for my medical check up at dlsu... i got there, and it was full of rich kids!!! how do i know? they were either speaking conotic or in chinese while playing with really expensive phones...

anyway, i'm glad to inform the world that: my blood pressure is normal, my teeth are normal, i have no breast cancer, and my lungs are unremarkable.

after my medical, i went home, then went back a few hours later for my enrollment. i eventually got enrolled... gonna have Orient 1 (sort of values education according to mother), Math 111, Math 112, ComSci 1, JPRizal, Rels 1(religion 1), and English 1... yes, that's right...

I DON'T HAVE P.E.!!!

my earliest class is at 940 tuesdays... the rest, later....

went back home, watched the ever increasing in popularity michor garden... (according to iceageman)... left with Gorilla for the youth camp.

after our adventure going to the site, wala lang... met a certain yfc brother from another cluster rex, who was very supportive... though he was quite exage most of the time, and that annoyed my clustermates...

that night, after "lights out", the service team bonded through jokes, and the damn thing logic... i shall provide you with my favorite parts:

Part One: The Unanswered One

rex : o, logic tayo. andito tayo sa detroit, diba? tapos punta tayo sa farmers. pero magiiwan ka ng gamit. ako, iiwan ko, fishnet. ikaw?

ken : fish.

rex : iwan ka.

ken : iwan ka rin!

Part Two: The Blasted Boat (that should have been burned for its lack or use)

ryan : may dalawang island, siyemre may tubig sa gitna. dun sa isang island, may tatlong babae tapos tatlong lalaki. kailangan nila tumawid sa kabila, pero yung boat, dalawa lang kaya isakay. tapos, hindi pwede malamangan ng number ng lalaki yung babae otherwise ma-r-rape.

***red banana tries to answer...***

ryan : sige, alam ko matagal sagutin yan, tulog muna ko. kalabitin mo na lan ako, Ry, tapos na, ha?

***red banana sinks into the problem***

***ryan uses pillow to wipe off red banana's "sweat"***

ryan : nagpapakahirap ka, pano kung sabihin kong walang sagot yan?

***censored. red banana threatens ryan's life***

***after fifteen minutes since the problem was given, red banana finally got all three women and three horny men to the other side, and remembered how to do it***

the rest will follow tomorrow, for i am way too sleepy.

2003-05-08T22:43:00.000+08:00

hey humans...

have you read helga's latest blog? oh god...

my beloved banana is just too much... i just don't get him. i guess it was my fault, i'm the one chicken enough to write that letter and send it there, so now, i can't blame anybody for the fact that he's............ not at all affected.

i cleaned my room today.... BE AMAZED!!!

tomorrow until sunday i shall be out, so i'll miss you...

2003-04-29T10:55:00.000+08:00

Hei

edg's here!

yesterday was... hmm... yesterday.

gorilla & i went to this yfc thing... to all who can read this, would you like to join our youth camp? tell me .

when we got home, i started singing losing grip out loud. para kong tanga na nagwawala!

then i called helga, but she was still sleeping. so then i called iceageman, and he was out or something. so i put my butt here in front of the pc, and guess what? iceageman called. sadly, mother was using the phone so she asked him to call after ten minutes.

around thirty minutes later, thanks to the infatuation-drawn persistence of helga, we spoke to iceageman on the phone. the only real discussion i was part of was about the sleepover thing, which apparently was why iceageman called me in the first place.

the sleepover will be held here, rooftop, 21-22... drink drink drink!!! get drunk drunk drunk! my parentals allowed me because i told them i really wanted to go and i knew they wouldn't let me if it would be held elsewhere...

so here!!! yippeee!!!

oooh, about that someone... freaky enough, right before i called charlotte, nagparamdam siya!!!

the thing with dearest, she's sort of getting in the querida thing... she actually said, nagagaya yata ako sa feeling mo dati kay (squishy)... really interesting, eh? so i asked her, who??? she said, (egypt)

i replied, kilala ko yun.

huh??? pano????

egypt was my classmate in elementary. apparently, he went to charlotte's elem school for high school, and now a friend of charlotte's is his girlfriend.

dearest woke me up this morning to tell me that she asked egypt and he said, oo, kilala ko yun. classmate ko siya nung elementary. magaling magluto yun kasi minsan pumunta kami sa bahay nila.

oooh... kasama pala siya nun... kasama din long time crush ko nun... nilandi ko siya...

Ha det
Norway

2003-04-28T00:53:00.000+08:00

Zdravo!

i had lunch at nova today, and everybody was there. i guess i just wasn't in the mood for them. the only good part i remember is my long nap... anyway, afterwards we went to get zagu...

oooh... guess what??? father allowed me to get a haircut!!!! well, of course, that was after several lines like eat my booger and the like from him... he just said yes rightin front of the salon, which is in across the barbershop where gorilla & shierat had their haircut... amazing...

i watched beauty & the beast in sierra this evening... as a child, i remember my grandparents owned one of the first VHS's in the country. since the VHS was still an alien thing, i had nowhere to go to borrow tapes. we only had one tape with three movies in it: Maging Sino Ka Man, one film i don't remember (probably because i never bothered to watch it), an beauty & the beast

just imagine... i spent every weekend there, so when i run out of things to do, & channels to watch (they didn't get cable until recently, and now my grandfather got rid of it because he hates the way HBO & other movie channels repeat movies), i watched beauty & the beast... several times a day.

so, to my point: i realized this evening that Belle was such a shallow character, as shallow as Gascon & his ugly shadow. not to mention she's a stupid daredevil who just has no sense.

there are four characters i love in that picture:

1. Beast
he's the only multi-dimensional character in the story. he has angst... love him.

2. Lumierre
entertaining guy... funny.

3. Mrs. Pot
she'd the reason why i love tea!

4. Chip
because... he's jus so cute!!!

enough of that...

when i got home, mother checked the caller id and found two numbers... the first one belongs to a person i have come to call iceageman... the second one belonging to his katapat, helga...

so, anyway, i can't think of any reason why they'd both call me on a sunday, in summer... maybe i'm about to a thousand pesos richer... bwahahaha...

so, when's the wedding?

Doviduvanje!
Macedonia

2003-04-26T23:46:00.000+08:00

good day!

father gave me his sony phone! yippee!!! he switched to sun cellular for some reason... he got his own choice of number, 81-(his 5 letter name)... so anyway, i got this...

i woke up relatively early... guess why? because i knew mother cooked the longanisa grandmother bought for me!!! yey!!! anyway, mother asked me to make canellone again on may first... grandfather & gorilla's birthday... oh, damn... i want to give gorilla a present, since it's his thirteenth birthday and all... oh well... i won't tease him on that day.

some time ago, a picture was taken of me & someone... i kept that picture because it was taken on a very special day... since i no longer have any sort of communication with him, i think it's time to remove the picture. i told mother that i did my closure with him, so she won't ask questions. now why am i blabbing about this while the damn picture remains standing three feet away???

it's because i can't even bring myself to touch it. from where i'm sitting, a figurine blocks part of the picture but i can still se him & me, side by side. how can i move it when it's the only thing that reminds me of his existence? damn! i thought it would be easier to forget him like this... well, actually, i rarely find myself thinking of him during daytime, or even in my sleep. but at night, when i'm all alone & i have nothing to do, i think of him, and i notice the things around me that are related to him... like that picture, and that pillow he used to touch, or that piece of clothing i wore when i was with him... damn!!!

earlier this evening, helga asked me if i was happy now... well... now you know...

in much lighter news...

my stories are about to be read online!!! helga's working on it...

to end, let me show you my first draft of the letter i sent someone. it was made this way because i intended to simply post it online and have him figure out that i'm talking about him... but then again, density is always an issue...

I had an inspiration to call you on the phone
To tell you I once loved you
There ain't nobody home
The night is cold and empty
Are you out there alone without me?

This is it. I have to say goodbye to you. I don?t mean goodbye like, ?Hey, see you when I see you.? I mean, GOODBYE. Goodbye like I should have when time said I should. Goodbye, like, ?Farewell, adieu, adios.? I was so happy with you then, even if I knew we weren?t meant to be together for long. I knew it then, I had ambition, and I was too busy working myself up to reach it, while you were too busy discovering what you call ?life?. There were signs that we?d never end up together the way I wanted. We had different crowds; and in truth, we were, and still are, two different people with very little, in fact almost nothing, in common.

I was stupid to convince myself that the little things we agreed on were proof that we had so much in common, that we were so compatible that there must be no one alive who can replace you to me or me to you. I was wrong. I really should have let you go when time was claiming you. Instead, I bargained with time, and I begged that I get another chance with you. Time, powerful as it is, conceded, and I had my chance with you again.

I took that chance, and you know that. Of all people, you should know I tried to get you twined with my soul so that we?d never have to say goodbye. But, I failed, and as in the laws of Physics, ?The bigger the body the harder its fall in a world controled by gravity,? I fell hard on the ground. You drifted away and I saw how I wasted my chance with you.

I should never have asked for that chance, clearly I was incapable of making you stay to love me the way I loved you. I traded my heart for that chance, and I lost everything because I lost you. Now it?s time to say goodbye, and I?d like you to know that I really do mean GOODBYE.

It's really for the better, that you're not in today
I shouldn't still be trying to talk to you this way
But I can't give up hope
You'll start to notice you're without me

This time I?d like to thank you for everything you have done for me and given me in the short time we were together. Thank you for making my day just by smiling at me. Thank you for being a good companion. Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for making me laugh; and believe it or not, thank you for making me cry. Thank you for letting me feel the pain and show that I felt it. Thank you for the gift of love, whether it was real or not, thank you for that brief moment in time when I thought I found love in you.

Believe me, I am very thankful that you existed in my world. And I?m very sorry for the times I put you on the spot, or the times when the people around us put you on the spot knowing that I would be pleased. I?m sorry for holding you back during the times you wanted to be free. I am sorry for taking your hand when you wanted to take someone else?s, and I am most especially sorry for forcing you to make promises that you regreted afterwards. I did not know better then, but now I do, and I want you to know I?ll be the first one to push you to freedom.

I've made my life fulfilling to take you off my mind
My head is always willing
My heart is not that kind
I'm the one who left you
You're the one who's fine
Without me

Since this is goodbye, I want you to know the things I never really said. I want you to know that I loved, or maybe love, you for who you were and not the man I seemed to force you to be. I loved, or love, you because I just did, or do, not because I was forced or led to believe that I did, or do. You were my world, and I was hurt because clearly I was not yours. Your world was so big it included everyone, while mine just wanted you. I never wanted things to end this way, but after everything that has happened, I don?t think we have any other choice.

Laugh if you want
You have no right
It was just like you said
I'd spend my nights alone
Without you

So to end this letter, I?d like to say that this is goodbye like, ?I never wish to see you or hear from you again.? No, don?t think that I hate you for some reason, because I don?t. But try to understand that I won?t be able to let you go unless you truly go. There was a time when you were being forced to leave me, to GO, but you didn?t go. Now, we really have to part.

I?d have to ask you to make one last promise, but I?ll promise you something in turn. Promise me that you will never try to contact or see me, and I promise you that I will do the same. In two weeks I plan to close a chapter in my life, and open a new one. In the new chapter, many of the characters from the previous chapter will no longer be included, and you?re one of them. No, let?s not look back. Tomorrow is what matters, but tomorrow will not happen unless I let go of yesterday, so I?m letting yesterday go.

Don?t let the song confuse you, I just knew it was the perfect song for us. Let me clarify myself, though, hard as it may be to leave you behind, I will be able to do it, because I have your promise. I?ll live without you, and I?ll do well.

Without me
How can you live without me?
My world is gone
You carry on
Without me

Well, this is it. Goodbye, and have a good life.

2003-04-26T00:04:00.000+08:00

hello!!!

first up, apologies to poip!!! o, ayan na po, naayos ko na... sowee!!!!

in other news, i'm supposed to be at a sleepover with other yfc from our cluster... actually, i'm not all excited to go, so when mother said i couldn't, i didn't cry or anything like the last time (prom...). i'm only bothered with the fact that she still has trouble letting me sleep over in other houses... MY GOD! does she think i won't ever grow up??? i'm already bigger than her, and she knows i won't do anything stupid, or even anything i can't handle. damn, i really don't get this...

in yet other news, check out helga... cork board sent her an email... some sort of enemy closure... what can i say... uso talaga closure ngayon...

guess what came over me this afternoon? the spirit of good old gourmet cooking! this afternoon, i was about to rest when i suddenly felt the urge to make canellone... i already prepared ingredients for simply sweet & sour meatballs, but then i used them for the canelllone instead. can you believe? instead of sleeping, i rolled pasta dough really thin from three till five? oh well... it was really good... though i really don't know what came over me.

i forgot to mention that i received an easter present... reminded me of tottie... anyway, i got a 3r picture frame and a mini index. i'm not so sure about the mini index, but i could use the picture frame. i'll wait for the pictures andrew took last april 9...

damn, i look like i put a thick layer of balck eyeshadow under my eyes... i should sleep... i do sleep, but i didn't think i wasn't getting enough... yeah, sure, i don't sleep right away when i get to bed, in fact, i stay up for an hour or so after i lie down. i used to dring vodka to sleep, but now, a whole bottle of erg won't get me drowsy. i could read something... but what???

shit... i don't like this at all...

don't even think i'll make a comment about the SARS issue...

to end, allow me to quote Jason Mraaz (who, by the way, was interviewed by RX this morning...

I won't worry my life away

2003-04-25T01:26:00.000+08:00

went to SM yesterday to get the rest of my summer supply. i was hoping i could avoid people i know... you know... i guess luck is just trying to be funny or something, because i saw squishy & girl walking from annex to the mainmall.

actually, the exact spot was in fron of the cinemas before the path towards annex from the mainmall. CRAP! I was walking fast because i was scared that someone might be there, then i saw this really cute guy. shit! i know he saw me, and she saw me, but i didn't give a friggin damn so i walked looking straight ahead.

MY RANT: HELLO!?!?!??!?!?! not that i still feel for the guy or anything, but, it's friggin SUMMER!!! can't they spend at least a week apart?friggin freaks of nature... they just had to be there.... GRRRRR!!!!!

anyway, i feel so irritated... ang init!!!

to end, i would like to quote counting crows:

don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone?

2003-04-22T22:34:00.000+08:00

oooh... before i forget... this song is for someone... haha ewan ko kung mababasa mo to... bwahahaha...
Losing Grip

Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby
Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real
Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you
Why'd you turn away?
Here's what I have to say I was left to cry there,
waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare
That's when I decided

[chorus]
Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
You, you need to listen I'm starting to trip,
I'm losing my grip and I'm in this thing alone

Am I just some chick you place beside you to take somebody's place
when you turn around can you recognize my face you used to love me,
you used to hug me
But that wasn't the case
Everything wasn't ok I was left to cry there
waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare
That's when I decided

[chorus]

Crying out loud I'm crying out loud
Crying out loud I'm crying out loud

Open your eyes
Open up wide
Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there
when I was scared I was so alone Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
Why should I care
If you don't care then I don't care were not going anywhere
Why should I care cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
Why should I care If you don't care then i don't care were not going anywhere

2003-04-22T22:28:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was ok, i guess...

I woke up at six, thinking I could drag my ass up to la salle by eight... i was so wrong...

after the whole household left, I caught this movie on hbo , the one with God having an amnesia to save this guy from eternal loneliness... some points were touching, i'd have to admit. but there were more bad actors than the number of times the word I was mentioned.

after the movie, i finally took a friggin bath, then dressed up, and went on my way to school... BWAHAHA! it feels so damn good to call it school ...

after my business in school , i rode an illegal transpo to former school.

***commercial, the song set you free by side a is being played... la lang, i recall i used this song with a former 'guy' in my life... i actually gave him a copy of the song (cassette tapes pa lang uso that time)... the song's a personal favorite, and at that time i was CRAZY about it... hanggang ngayon actually... anyway, this 'guy' whom i shall refer to hereon as TAPE, a few years later, told me that he still has the tape with him. i never asked him to prove it, though...***

an hour and a half later, which would make it lunchtime, i arrived at sm north. i went to school, picked up charlotte there, got my gradpic, exchanged with a few people, and went back to sm.

after purchasing my summer's supply of sanity, i left and went home--something i feel i'm about to despise.

they say being out of the house is soooo good... i'm about to believe them... if not for my sanity, i'd be out of this house.

now why can't classes start TODAY?????!!!!!

2003-04-20T22:48:00.000+08:00

Epilogue

Before I formally begin college, allow me to give you a summarization of my closing ceremony on High School

Last March 22, 2003, we had our Senior's Retreat. It was conveniently held in Quesci, meaning, it would never amount to anything productive, and there would be a whole lot of booze. For me it was quite simple; I went there, listened to bullshit from the 'FREE-MARITAL SEX' (supposedly 'Pre-Marital Sex") Most Sought-After Speakers.

I remember that before THEY started, they made a comment about our batch shirt. Actually, helga , Ernest, Riq, Ali, & I were just talking there, and one of the speakers asked Ernest, Anak, sino ba namatay? Bat lahat kayo mukhang maglalamay? She said that there are so many colors to chose from, so why the hell did we chose friggin BLACK?!?! (note: profanities mine). All I can say is, she should mind her own friggin business and try using black herself to hide those humongous flabs that show in her dull yellow get up.

The second thing that I remember is that i joined helga while she bonded with Cider. It only made me feel even more LOVELESS...

The third thing I remember is the drunk people, starting with Poip, then the Bec girls... Q: What's the square root of 169? A1: What the hell??? A2: 11?

The last thing I recall about the damn retreat is my teary speech in front. I cried while I apologized to my father for choosing DLSU over UPD . What can I say? DLSU is much cheaper than UPD ...

Then Graduation... To be honest, I hated it because OBA screwed the moment up for me, for Sassie, & most Especially for helga .

Grad Ball... During the Grad Ball, I liked the way I looked. I liked the way I came. But I hated it. It was then that I realized how things have changed during my four years in high school. I saw how much I damaged myself. I saw how I let somebody slip away, and how that somebody let me slip away. I swear, it sucked. It really hurt...

Aftermath... The people around me either wrote letters to their sadly beloveds or just sent them text messages and stuff... At first I was amazed at them, gosh, how... courageous? Actually, at first I thought pathetic. but when Joni showed me the text message she sent her sadly beloved, I felt it was the last straw, and while grocery shopping for my camping trip, I thought of everything I needed to say, and when I got home, I opened the computer and started typing away. A little more than an hour later, I was able to send the email. And that's all I can say about that.

I decided to leave High School behind already, along with many people from High School. I only intend to keep a handful with me to college, because they're all I need.

I wish my relationship with my HS buds will be like my relationship with my elementary buds. Andrew, for example, just left for Ca, and I email him frequently. I keep in touch with JM, and he probably knows a lot more about my lovelife than my seatmates. Joscar keeps in touch with me... The day before Andrew left, the four of us went to Makati, and there I realized that this is how it should be... None of us went to the same high school after elementary, and we're going separate ways again for college. Andrew's off to Pasadena City College , JM's off to University of Asia & the Pacific, Joscar's off to UP Diliman, and I'm off to De La Salle University. But still, I'm sure the bond will never change...

Tomorrow I'm off to DLSU to formally hand over my card to ensure my enrollment there... I guess I am off to college.

2003-04-20T09:09:00.000+08:00

Hello!!!

Today is Easter Sunday, and while the whole synagogue greets you with the Risen Lord, I shall fromally open this Blog.

Today I formally consider myself in college... weeheee!

Gotta go to church...